The boy didn’t deserve it.
He didn’t deserve to sacrifice himself, to go off on this wild goose chase alone, with only his stupid little friends to assist.
He deserved happiness, and comfort. He deserved safety.
Severus wanted to give him that safety.
Severus hadn’t been able to get the boy out of his head since he’d learned he carried a Horcrux inside him.
Potter would have to die, and for what? It was not fair. It was unjust. Sacrificing him for the greater good was just as bad as what the Dark Lord planned to do to him.
It was late, and Severus had just returned from a Death Eater meeting. He sat in the Headmaster’s office. Everything felt so dark, so lost. Not even Albus’ portrait spoke.
Only a few days ago, Severus had delivered the sword to the boy. It had been startling to see the state of him. He had looked wild and hollowed out. He’d looked like he needed a hug.
Damn Albus for making Potter do this, and damn Severus for allowing it to happen. Damn the Dark Lord for making Horcruxes, and damn Albus for telling Severus about them.
It was time for Severus to take action.
For months, Severus had been devising a plan. Researching. He had done it all in secret. When he’d travelled abroad, he’d made sure to wear a disguise. He had found the book he needed in a dusty library in Bucharest, then the instrument he needed in the back of an ancient apothecary in Shandong.
Severus disabled the strong protection charm on a hidden desk drawer and removed a small black box. There was another, more intense charm on the box.
If someone had wanted to find out what the box contained, they would have lost their fingers.
Very carefully, Severus opened the lid. Lying amid white satin was an old Time Turner.
Surprisingly, the instrument was made out of wood, and there was a toggle on the back as if it were a Muggle toy.
His hands shook as he shut and pocketed the box.
Was he ready to enact his plan? And tonight? Perhaps he should take himself off to bed, get a good night’s rest … But, no. He couldn’t rest right now. His mind wouldn’t allow it. His body wouldn’t, either.
He needed to act.
Severus stood and retrieved his cloak. His hand was on the doorknob when Albus’ portrait finally addressed him.
“Please don’t give up,” said the portrait mournfully. “We need you here.”
Shaking his head, Severus walked out of the office.
*
Severus flew to the Forbidden Forest. Beneath him, the grounds stretched out like a dark ocean.
In the forest, he trudged to the clearing with the moonstones. Severus had formed them in a circle, each stone a different colour.
He stepped into the circle and felt the magic in the air shift. These moonstones were tremendously powerful.
Steadying himself, he removed the Time Turner from his pocket, keeping the box.
Under the milky moonlight, Severus turned the small wooden dials to the date and time he wanted: 02-11-1981. 04:00.
Now shaking from head to toe, he turned the Time Turner over to stare at the toggle. According to the book, all he needed was to switch that toggle down to travel to the past.
His breath came in misty pants. Doubt was nipping at the heels of his resolve.
This was madness, wasn’t it? Wasn’t it?
Severus couldn’t travel to the past! And to go back just two days after he could’ve saved Lily and Potter … (Or just Lily.)
But, no. For his plan to work, he needed to be steadfast. And callous. If he saved people from death, it would complicate matters entirely too much. His objective was to protect Harry—and end Voldemort. Nothing more.
With his thoughts still churning, Severus pushed the toggle down. For a split second, nothing happened. He thought, Of course it didn’t work.
Then he felt a great force of energy barrel into him, all the moonstones lighting up as if on fire.
His feet left the ground. He was soaring.
When he landed, he was right back where he started, in the middle of the Forbidden Forest. It was raining. The moonstones were gone.
I’m no longer in 1998, Severus thought, and shuddered.
Even through the trees and the cloud cover, he could see the subtle lightening of the night sky. He had to get to Surrey as soon as possible.
Severus just hoped Petunia Dursley wasn’t an early riser.
*
The neighbourhood was motionless, not even a cat disturbing the quiet.
Severus’ heart pounded as he strode down the pavement. Sweat collected around the wand in his hand.
He had cast a Disillusionment Charm on himself, but he still felt as if he had a target on his back. Surely Albus didn’t leave the Boy Who Lived on a Muggle’s doorstep without any protection …
Severus stopped in front of 4 Privet Drive. The house was shuttered, its curtains drawn. The white facade appeared violet in the dying darkness.
On the doorstep was a bundle of blankets. The view made his breath catch.
Wand raised, Severus stumbled up the pathway. As he drew near, he expected to be thrown back or confronted by Albus himself, but nothing happened.
Inside the bundle was a baby boy. There was dried blood on his forehead.
Little Harry was awake. His big green eyes stared up at Severus, unblinking.
Shaking terribly, Severus knelt and carefully picked up the baby. He expected Harry to let out a wail, but he didn’t make a sound.
Severus tucked the blankets tighter around Harry. He felt too cold in his arms.
There was wetness on Severus’ cheeks, dripping down his jaw. For a moment, he hadn’t a clue what it was, but then he realised he was crying. Sobbing, really.
“Everything’s going to be okay,” he whispered to the baby.
It felt as if his heart was being ripped open. He needn’t crack up, not right now. He still had much to do.
Severus held the baby closer, then turned and Disapparated. He was headed to Polperro in Cornwall.
*
Just outside the village, along a quiet road lined with sheltering trees, was a house that had just become available to rent.
The owner of the house, a Mrs Brighthorn, blinked sleepily at Severus. “You must be a mind reader, Mr Prince. Tragedy’s just struck my family in Toronto and I shall need to live overseas for the foreseeable future. Hadn’t even managed to put a listing in the newspaper.”
He nodded. “I heard something about your misfortune, I believe. And I’m looking for a place to rent. Perhaps we can come to some sort of agreement?”
She eyed him up and down, then frowned at little Harry. “Where is your wife, sir?”
Severus let his eyes fill with tears. It wasn’t difficult. “She’s passed. Just last month. Now it’s just me and Harry here. All alone.”
She seemed moved by his tale of woe. “Yes, I think we can work something out. Please come inside. I’ll make us a pot of tea.”
*
Luckily, Mrs Brighthorn departed for Canada the next day, leaving Severus and Harry alone in the house.
Severus would need privacy for what he was about to do next. Contacting Albus Dumbledore and telling him he had kidnapped the Boy Who Lived was bound to cause some ruckus.
*
Severus had just put Harry down for his nap when there was a knock on the door. He took out his wand and went to greet his guest.
On the other side stood Albus. They stared at one another.
“Are you really Severus Snape?”
He nodded, his throat tightening. Albus was probably here to kill him, but it still moved him to see his dear friend—a friend he had been forced to murder.
“Will you come in?” Severus asked.
Something flickered in the man’s blue gaze. “Where is the baby?”
“Asleep in his cotbed. Do you want to see him?”
“He must be returned to his aunt and uncle.”
Severus straightened. “Unfortunately, I do not agree.”
Albus continued to size him up. He was gathering his magic within himself. Severus felt the heat of it.
“Will you please come in? I’d rather not duel you on the doorstep.”
Albus gave a curt nod and stepped over the threshold. “Show me the baby.”
Wand still in hand, Severus led Albus upstairs to the two bedrooms. Severus had set up the cotbed in his own room.
Severus almost raised his wand when Albus leaned down to get a better look at Harry.
“He looks well,” Albus said.
“You left him on those Muggles’ doorstep.”
Albus gave him a bemused look. “Fresh air is good for babies. Everyone knows that.”
“You left him on their doorstep in the middle of the night.”
Albus shrugged, not concerned. “He’s a magical child. I had no doubt he would survive.”
“I want him to live with me. Those Muggles will mistreat him.”
“There are protections—”
“I know about those damn protections, and I’m telling you I’m prepared to die for the child.”
Albus watched him closely. “Who are you, really? Are you wearing some sort of disguise?”
Again, Severus straightened his back. “I’m Severus Snape from the year 1998. And I know how to defeat the Dark Lord once and for all.”
Something like greed flashed across Albus’ face but it was gone in an instant. “All right,” he said softly. “I find I’m suddenly in the mood for a cup of tea.”
*
They sat at a rickety table in the kitchen, a fresh pot of Earl Grey steaming between them.
Albus stirred in his milk and sugar, not saying anything. He was still an old man, but the lines weren’t so deep on his face.
“What must you know to believe me?” Severus asked, taking a sip of his black unsweetened tea.
Albus eyed him over his cup. “What did I say to you on that first night you came to me about the prophecy?”
“You said many things.”
He gave Severus a thin smile. “Humour me.”
Severus stared him down. “You said, You disgust me. I was quite selfish, then. I still am, I admit it, but … your words did have an effect on me.”
Albus barely reacted. “How did you time travel?”
“It took me nearly a year to find the right apparatus. After all my work, I discovered a rudimentary Time Turner in Shandong.”
“And it was powerful enough to send you back seventeen years?”
Severus shrugged. “Yes.”
“I want to question you under Veritaserum. Do you consent?”
“Does my consent really matter when we both know you are seconds away from killing me?”
Albus gave him another smile. “Humour an old man, will you?”
“I’ll need to brew some …”
“Not a worry, I brought some with me.” Albus took out a phial from his pocket and set it on the table.
Severus eyed it apprehensively, then gingerly picked it up. He uncorked it and gave it a whiff. Yes, it was Veritaserum.
Severus took a deep breath. He had been expecting something like this, but still, the prospect of being so vulnerable …
“Do it or this conversation is over,” Albus said quietly.
He knocked back the potion. He felt it working immediately. His tongue felt loose in his mouth, his thoughts blurring.
Steepling his hands in front of him, Albus leaned closer. “What is your name?”
“Severus Tobias Snape.”
“What is your date of birth?”
“9-01-1960.”
“Who is the love of your life?”
“Harry James Potter.”
Albus leaned back in his chair. There was a heavy, stifling silence. “What are your intentions with the boy?”
“To die for him.”
“Why is that your intention?”
“Because no one else is willing to protect him.”
“How have you come to feel this way about him? You hated him, did you not?”
“I witness his bravery time and time again. He flourishes even as the Dark Lord attempts to murder him at every turn. His beauty is breathtaking. I’ve grown to see all the ways he’s like his mother. He is kind and loyal like her. He protects his friends like she once protected her friends. He shares her talent for verbal cleverness.”
“And?”
“He sexually arouses me.”
Albus nodded, unsurprised. “Were you ever inappropriate with the boy?”
“I was inappropriately cruel to him. I singled him out. Tried to humiliate him in front of his peers. He was a mere child and I was jealous of him. I wanted to hurt him.”
“Were you physically inappropriate with him?”
“One time I threw him out of my office. I chucked a jar at his head. I can’t remember if I put my hands on him.”
“Did you ever have sexual intercourse with him?”
“No.”
“But you wanted to?”
“Yes.”
“Did you ever try to have sexual intercourse with him?”
“No.”
Albus let out a soft sigh of relief before he steeled himself once more. “What about now? Will you try to have sexual intercourse with him while he lives with you?”
“No.”
“Why not?”
“Because it would hurt him and I don’t want to hurt him. I want to protect him. I want him to trust me. I cannot die for him if he doesn’t trust me.”
“Why do you need to die for the boy? Can’t he protect himself?”
“The Dark Lord has grown too powerful. And quite near to being immortal. He’s created Horcruxes. Six intentionally and one unintentionally. Harry shouldn’t be expected to end the Dark Lord by himself. To sacrifice himself. I’d rather die than let him do that.”
Albus flinched. “I’ve had my suspicions that Voldemort did something of that nature. Do you know the identity and location of these Horcruxes?”
“For the most part, yes.”
“What is the identity of the unintentional Horcrux?”
“It’s Harry.”
Albus blinked several times. “Are you sure?”
“Yes. It’s in his scar. We need to destroy it.”
“Right now?”
“After you’re done questioning me, yes.”
There was a stretch of silence as Albus contemplated things. “Do you intend to murder me?”
“Right now or later?”
A wry humour crossed Albus’ face. “The potion must be wearing off.”
Severus pressed his lips together, testing his resistance. “Yes, I think it is.” Then: “I don’t want to murder you. You are my friend.”
“Yes, but I do not think of the boy as you do. If he must sacrifice himself, then so be it.”
Severus stared at him. “I killed you in the spring of 1997. You ordered me to do it so I would prove my fealty to the Dark Lord.”
He expected Albus to go for his wand, but the elder man laughed.
“That sounds like me,” Albus said.
Severus dropped his gaze. “It was no laughing matter for me. I hated doing it. Despised myself for it. Potter witnessed it.”
“You love the boy but cannot call him by his first name?”
Severus didn’t respond. He couldn’t explain the heartache he felt when he thought about the boy. He’d thought his love for Lily had hurt, but his love for her son cut him open in ways that nothing else ever had.
“Are you going to continue to call him Potter as you raise him?”
“No,” he answered quietly. “Of course not.”
“Raising a child isn’t easy, you know. It can be quite lonely. Isolating.”
“After spending the better part of two decades teaching at Hogwarts, I know much about being lonely and isolated.”
“I could use you for better things, Severus. Someone needs to find these Horcruxes and destroy them.”
“I know, and you should send my younger self. Don’t condemn him to years of misery in that castle. You know quite well he has no business being a teacher.”
“You are a master at Potions. The wizarding children of Britain deserve to be taught by someone of your calibre.”
Severus raised an eyebrow. “I’ll hate it, and they’ll hate me. Find someone else—someone who is better with children.”
Albus sighed. “Then why should I leave Harry with you? If you are not good with children?”
“I’ll teach myself to be good. For him. And those ghastly relatives of his … They abused him. If we return him to the Dursleys, he will spend the next ten years locked up in a bloody cupboard. How is that right?”
“It will build character.”
Hot rage washed over Severus. “You know?”
“I have my suspicions.”
Once again, the two men stared at one another, sizing up the other.
Quite softly, Albus said, “You don’t want to be my enemy, Severus. I know you are a powerful wizard, but you are not more powerful than me. You know this is true.”
“I think you underestimate me, Albus. I spent two decades working on my craft.”
Albus’ mouth twisted. “I’m sure you did. Sexual frustration goes a long way to strengthen one’s resolve in becoming all powerful. I know this quite well, unfortunately.”
Sighing heavily, Severus buried his face in his hands. “I don’t want to fight you.”
“I don’t want to fight you, either.”
“Will you let me keep the boy? Protect him? And will you send my younger self to find the Horcruxes? He’s just lost the woman he believes to be the love of his life. He wants revenge. He will stop at nothing to find those objects, you know it.”
“Yes, but you must let me put a charm on this house. It won’t be as strong as the one that was meant for the Dursleys, but it will do. Also, you will let me check in on you whenever I wish, with no warning.”
“Did you check up on the Dursleys?”
“I cannot say. I assume I did. Petunia Dursley will probably try to hand over Harry to a local orphanage.”
Severus ground his teeth. He could kill that woman. “Fine. Put a charm on this house. It’s only rented, however.”
“You will need to make it your permanent residence.”
“But the owner …”
“Leave it to me,” Albus said.
“Don’t hurt her. She’s a nice woman.”
Again, Albus laughed. “Oh, how you’ve changed, Severus! You still have that Dark Mark on your arm, do you not?”
“It’s a mark of shame for me now.”
“That is very good to hear.” Then: “Snape, the younger one I mean, and I will need to interview you. See your memories. We will need to discover everything you know about these Horcruxes, about the current location of Voldemort. You know where he is, don’t you?”
“Yes, he’s in Albania. Bodiless.”
“How fascinating. Now, about that Horcrux in the baby’s scar … How do you plan to remove it?”
“Lucky for you, I came to the past prepared.” Severus retrieved two phials from his pocket and set them on the table for Albus to see. “One contains basilisk venom, the other contains tears from a phoenix. It was a bloody nightmare tracking down Fawkes after your death, let me tell you.”
“How do you plan to use them?”
“The venom is proven to kill the Horcrux, the tears are proven to protect Pott—Harry.”
“How do you know this?”
“In his second year, Harry used basilisk venom to destroy the Horcrux in Tom Riddle’s diary. He was also bitten by the same basilisk, but he survived when Fawkes cried on him.”
“Sounds rather exciting for a twelve year old.”
“Yes.”
“Do you know where the diary is now? In 1981?”
“I believe Lucius Malfoy has it.”
“Fascinating.”
Severus took a deep breath to steady himself. “We will need to encircle the wound on Harry’s forehead with the tears. Then we should make an incision over the wound. Due to my research, I believe the Horcrux should still be quite shallow in his flesh. We will then pour the venom over our incision. Once we are confident the Horcrux has been destroyed, then we can close the wound.”
“He will need to retain evidence of Voldemort’s spell on his forehead. The little lightning bolt scar is already becoming famous thanks to Hagrid.”
Severus growled. f*cking Hagrid. “Shall I retrieve the baby?”
“Please.”
*
Severus carefully set little Harry on the kitchen table. For a moment, the baby stared up at him, but then he tapped his wand to his temple, and the baby fell into a deep sleep.
“He’s the Boy Who Lived,” Albus said quietly, “and we’re going to cut open his head in a Muggle’s kitchen.”
You left him to rot in a Muggle’s cupboard for ten years, Severus thought.
The two men crowded closer. Severus’ hands trembled as he pressed his wand to Harry’s lightning bolt wound.
“Ready?”
“I suppose,” Albus said.
Severus sliced open the baby’s forehead. The incision wasn’t very big but it caused much bleeding. He gritted his teeth as he held back the blood with another spell.
Then, very carefully, he poured the phoenix’s tears in the wound, following its circumference.
As if sensing the danger, the Horcrux began to scream.
“Merlin,” Albus breathed. “It really is in there.”
Severus nodded, unable to speak. He was shaking all over as he uncorked the venom. If he was wrong about this, he would kill the child. He would kill the love of his life.
No, no, he couldn’t let the doubt win. And he couldn’t begin to think of the baby as such, not consciously. It was entirely too discomforting.
Severus sucked in an unsteady breath, then poured the venom into the centre of the incision. The baby’s eyes fluttered but otherwise he didn’t react.
What did react was the Horcrux. It wailed in pain. Something like, No, no, make it stop! issued from the forehead, but it was all very warbled and muted.
Then the wailing stopped, and thick black smoke escaped from the open wound.
“I think it worked,” Severus said, gasping for air. Panic had made his throat close up.
“Move aside, let me make sure,” Albus ordered, and Severus took a few stumbling steps away.
Albus waved his wand over the baby, over and over. His magic was searching for something, sinking deep beneath Harry’s skin.
“I feel no darkness,” Albus murmured, his eyes closed.
“Must a Horcrux feel dark?”
“Yes, I believe so.”
Severus forced himself to continue to just watch.
After a few minutes, Albus stopped his investigation. He waved his wand one last time over Harry, this time concentrating on his forehead, and the skin knitted itself back together, the lightning bolt cut reappearing.
“Thank you,” Severus said.
Albus gave him a confused smile. “It is done.”
“Yes.”
“Remember I shall be watching you.”
“Yes.”
He turned fully to Severus and clutched his shoulders, fingers pressing hard. “I want to trust you. Utterly.”
“Then trust me.”
*
After Albus’ visit, little Harry began to cry. A lot. Nonstop. Severus didn’t know what to do. He tried to give him a bottle, then a beaker of juice. He tried to feed him little carrots, then slices of strawberries. The baby refused to eat any of it.
Severus attempted to cuddle him, to bounce him in his arms until he calmed down, but the baby continued to wail.
Nothing worked.
The crying lasted for days. It went into the night, then into the morning, and so on and so on. It only stopped briefly when Harry slept, but he never stayed asleep for long.
All the stress made Severus cry, too. He realised the baby was mourning his parents. Severus was mourning, too. It triggered him deeply to open a newspaper, or turn on the telly, and see the date.
Lily had been alive just days ago. Her body wasn’t even in the ground yet.
So, they mourned together, man and baby. Severus gave up trying to cure Harry of his despair. He ended up sitting on the floor in front of the fire, clutching the baby close to him, as Harry squirmed and sobbed.
Severus held on tight, the tears running down his face, chapping his skin. He cried for so long that his eyes were no longer able to focus.
Time passed, and the days blurred together. When Albus returned, Severus barely knew if it was morning or evening.
Albus brought along another man.
Standing in the doorway, his hair in disarray, his arms full of little Harry, Severus looked upon his younger self.
Snape sneered deeply. “You smell.”
“And you’re ugly,” Severus snapped.
“Not as ugly as you, old man.”
Severus was too tired to get truly angry. “What do you both want? I’m a little preoccupied at the moment.”
Albus inspected him thoroughly. “You look exhausted, Severus.”
“And?”
“Invite us inside. We need to talk.”
Severus left the door open and marched to the lounge. The place was a disaster. Harry’s used nappies littered the floor.
“I told you caring for a baby was ghastly work,” Albus said.
Severus clung to Harry. “I’m learning, and Harry here misses his parents. It will get better, I promise.”
“You look pathetic,” Snape said. “Is this really what I become? A blubbering mess?”
Severus almost pulled his wand on his younger self. Instead he said softly, “Saying cruel things to people will not bring her back. Nor make the guilt any less painful. I know that now.”
Snape’s young face went ash white. His mouth trembled.
Albus stepped between them. “None of that. Let's all calm down. Severus, please let us watch the baby for a while. You need to sleep.”
“And to bathe,” Snape said.
“No, no,” Severus said. “I won’t let you take him from me.”
“We will not. We won’t even leave this house. I swear to it.”
Severus glared at Albus. “If you steal him from me, I will track you down. And if you try to keep him from me, I will kill you.”
“Jesus Christ,” Snape muttered. “I’ve turned into an utter loon!”
Albus raised his hands, his wand not in sight. “I promise.”
Trembling, trying not to panic, Severus handed over Harry to them. “Okay,” he said, taking deep breaths. “Okay, I shall … Yes. A shower. Then to bed. I—I don’t know how long I will sleep.”
“Sleep for as long as you need,” Albus said kindly. “We will be here.”
Blinking back tears, Severus went to the bathroom. He continued to cry even as he stood under the hot spray of the shower. He felt chilled all over.
They are going to take him from me, they are, they are …
After he was done bathing himself, Severus rushed out to the lounge to make sure they were still there, and they were. Albus was switching through the channels on the telly in fascination, and Snape was on the settee with the baby, dirty boots kicked up on the coffee table.
Snape saw Severus and rolled his eyes. The look said, Leave off, old man.
“Your bed awaits you,” Albus said, not looking away from the telly.
“Right,” Severus muttered, clutching the towel around his waist. He was dripping water everywhere. “Right, right.”
He went to bed.
*
Severus didn’t know how long he slept. When he awoke, he stumbled back out to the lounge to find Albus and Snape at the table eating stew. Harry was in a high chair that Severus hadn’t purchased, using the thick brown broth as fingerpaint.
“You didn’t take him from me,” Severus croaked, voice thick from sleep.
“No, we didn’t.” Albus motioned to a third bowl on the table. “Now sit down and eat something.”
Severus sat down and began to gobble up the stew. He paused and looked at Snape. “You made this. I recognise my own cooking.”
Snape grimaced. “Don’t make this even weirder.”
After Severus was finished eating, he said, “The baby isn’t crying.”
“We gave him a potion,” Albus said.
“What?” Severus almost jumped to his feet. “You didn’t ask me!”
“You were asleep, you idiot,” Snape said. “And anyway, it’s just a Calming Potion, nothing more. I brewed it myself.”
“Babies can easily overdose on Calming Potions!” Severus roared.
“I f*cking know that!” His younger self roared back.
“Gentlemen, please,” Albus said, wincing. “You’ve upset the baby.”
It was true; little Harry’s face was all scrunched up, tears welling in his beautiful eyes.
Severus freed him from the high chair and gathered him in his arms. He sighed in relief when the baby didn’t begin to cry again. In fact, Harry snuggled closer.
My boy, Severus though, dropping a kiss to his warm forehead.
Snape watched with deep disgust. “How can you hold Potter’s son like that? Just looking at the child makes me want to chuck him off a bloody cliff.”
“Don’t you dare!” He took a stumbling step back. “If you lay a hand on him, I’ll end you. Brutally. Slowly. I swear it.”
Albus gave Snape a very annoyed look. “Your comments are not helping matters.”
Snape was still glaring at Severus. “Potter took her from me, from us. That child represents that bastard shagging her. I—I can’t stand it.”
“Lily never loved us like we loved her,” Severus said. “You must accept that.”
Snape banged his fist on the table. “She wasn’t given the chance! That bastard took her from me! She could have loved me—I could have made her realise her feelings for me—if only I’d had more time—”
“You pushed her away,” Severus said coldly. “You mistreated her.”
“No, I didn’t!”
“You let your dark ambition blind you, make you stupid, make you cruel. James Potter didn’t ruin your life; you did.”
Snape stared up at him, not moving, looking painfully young. His mouth was open, his eyes wide. Silent tears began to gush down his cheeks.
Severus sat back down at the table, still holding Harry. “Now you have the opportunity to redeem yourself,” he told his younger self. “We both do.”
“He will need help,” Albus said. “He cannot do it alone.”
Severus took a deep breath. He didn’t want to say the next bit, but it had been plaguing him ever since he had landed back in 1981.
“Sirius Black is an innocent man.”
Albus and Snape blinked at him. They had such little reactions that it made Severus frown.
“He is in custody at the moment, right? All those murders did happen …?”
“Yes, he is, but how in the world would you know about his innocence?” Albus said.
“Because, in 1998, Peter Pettigrew is alive and well. He framed Black for all those murders, then lived in secrecy until the Dark Lord returned.”
“Give me a f*cking break!” Snape said. “That arsehole went mad. Everyone around the incident saw it.”
Severus shook his head. “He doesn’t deserve to waste away in Azkaban. We need to free him, get him out of the country. I was thinking he would be a great addition in the search for the Horcruxes.”
Snape’s face twisted up. “Dumbledore, this man isn’t me. It can’t be. There’s no way I’d defend Black. No way.”
Albus continued to barely react. “He proved his identity to me.”
“Well, he hasn’t proved it to me!”
Severus eyed him. “You had your first org*sm thinking about your father’s best mate. His name was Gerald, if I remember correctly. He was a plumber.”
Snape jumped to his feet, knocking over their bowls. “SHUT UP!”
“Shall I go on?” Severus smirked.
“f*ck YOU!”
“What did you do the first time you saw Potter snog Lily? Do you remember?”
“Don’t you dare say it,” Snape snarled coldly.
“Why shouldn’t I say it? Perhaps you need a reminder …”
“Not in front of Dumbledore.”
Albus folded his hands on the table. “Well, now I’m intrigued.”
“That’s private, damn you,” Snape said.
“Oh, I should care about your privacy? Right. If you want me to respect you, then you must respect me. So, sit down and shut up.”
Snape sat back down, utterly glowering.
“Now, back to this Black business,” Severus said. “I think you should save him from the Ministry, then he and Snape can begin their search for the Dark Lord in Albania.”
“You’re mad if you think I’d work with Black!”
“I’m not mad,” he said calmly, “and I think you can suck it up.”
“But—but—He’s Sirius Black. We hate each other!”
“And?”
Snape crossed his arms and huffed.
“What about the Horcruxes?” Albus said. “I thought you wanted Snape to look for them?”
Nodding, Severus summoned a scroll from his bedroom. When it landed on the table, he handed it to Albus. “I made a list of every Horcrux and its known location, or at least, my assumption of its location.”
Albus looked over the scroll. “We don’t know the identity of the Horcrux related to Ravenclaw?”
“No, but I believe you could ask the Grey Lady to find out.”
Albus’ blue gaze sparked. “Because she’s the daughter of Rowena … Very interesting …”
Snape snatched up the scroll to have a look as well. “I’d rather stay here and search for these than go off with Black to Albania.”
“It’s vital that you capture the Dark Lord now, while he’s at his weakest,” Severus said. “The destruction of the Horcruxes can come second.”
“And how the bloody hell are we supposed to capture him?” Snape said.
“I thought we were clever,” Severus drawled. “Am I misremembering?”
Albus was nodding. “Snape and Black are capable of capturing Voldemort. I have full faith in their abilities. As for the Horcruxes, I believe I can carve out some time to track them down. I may also ask for Hagrid’s assistance as well.”
Severus shook his head. “No, don’t involve him. That oaf can’t keep his mouth shut, especially when he drinks.”
Albus gave him a disapproving look above his spectacles. Snape smirked in delight.
“So be it,” Albus said, ignoring his rude comment. “I will track down the Horcruxes myself.”
Severus fidgeted. “Some of them are quite powerful … You’ve proven incapable of not trying to take that power for yourself …”
“Oh?”
“Yes, the ring … It cursed you because you dared to wear it.”
Albus smiled. “I shall be more careful this time.”
His answer only made Severus frown.
“Then it is decided,” Albus said. “Snape and I will devise a plan to shepherd Sirius out of the hands of the Ministry. Once Black is free, he and Snape will head immediately to Albania.”
Snape looked stunned. “But—what about my teaching—”
“I shall find a replacement,” Albus said.
“Grief is a powerful tool,” Severus said. “Let it inspire the both of you on your journey.”
Snape continued to just shake his head.
A few minutes later, Snape and Albus were on the front steps, ready to leave. Severus, balancing Harry on his hip, shook Albus’ hand.
“Thank you,” Severus said. “You were right—I needed help.”
“I can send over a house-elf to assist you,” Albus said. “Or even Arabella.”
“No, no, I can do it by myself. I just need to remember to take breaks.”
“I will drop in again soon,” Albus said. “Hopefully with good news.”
Snape grinned darkly at Severus. “Enjoy being a Mummy. Don’t let the kid suck too hard on your teats.”
Severus rolled his eyes.
*
Things got easier after that. Harry calmed down. He still cried and squirmed, but not as often, and he began to sleep through the night.
Severus was immensely grateful. He came up with a schedule for himself, a step-by-step plan on how to care for Harry without going mad. He would have everything under control if he followed the schedule.
Every morning, he woke up at five am. He was an early riser, so the time wasn’t too much of a pain, but he had to get up and immediately begin the next steps. Sometimes Harry was already awake, sometimes he wasn’t. In these quiet solitary moments, Severus made sure to clean the house and brew his first pot of tea. He would perish if he didn’t get his tea.
Once Harry was awake, everything blurred together. Severus had to feed him and change his nappy. He had to bathe him and clothed him (he had to make sure the baby had clean clothes to begin with).
Severus had to make sure Harry was preoccupied, that he was learning. He purchased flash cards to help teach Harry how to talk, but they weren’t all that effective, at least not yet.
Severus could never take his eyes off Harry. He could never leave him alone. He didn’t even dare to walk into another room to fetch something.
Days turned into weeks, and Severus lost himself to parenthood. Harry became his entire life.
He kept an eye out for any word of Sirius Black’ escape but didn’t read anything about it in the Prophet. Then one afternoon Albus visited him alone.
“They are in Albania,” Albus said.
Severus was surprised. “The Prophet didn’t mention Black’s escape.”
“The Ministry is trying to keep it a secret as they search for him. It was entirely too easy to get to him. They know they made a terrible blunder.”
Severus nodded. “Do you want to see Harry?”
“No, not really,” Albus said, smiling. “I’ve come on other matters.”
“Such as?”
“The Horcruxes. I want your assistance in finding them.”
“Why?”
“Why not? You can’t devote your entire life to the child, can you?”
“Can’t I?”
Albus shook his head. “What if Snape and Black secure Voldemort quickly? We will want to have the Horcruxes destroyed, won’t we?”
Severus considered it. “I doubt they will find him quickly. They might be gone for years.”
“Years?”
Severus nodded.
Albus sighed. His clear blue eyes looked troubled. “You have so much potential. I don’t want you to waste it.”
“I’m not wasting it.”
“Your magic … your power … I feel it all. You are a remarkable wizard.”
“Thank you.”
Another sigh. “I can’t change your mind, can I?”
“No.”
Now those blue eyes were staring a hole into him. “And what if the boy never grows to love you like you love him?”
Severus felt heat enter his face. “I don’t need him to love me.”
Albus gave him a very disbelieving look. “Come now, Severus. You are smarter than that. I know you are. One day you will have to tell the boy the truth. One day you will have to say good-bye to him. What if he resents you? What if—”
“Enough,” Severus said. “I don’t care if Harry ends up resenting me.”
“You time-travelled but didn’t choose to save his mum or his dad. Instead, you choose to keep him all for yourself.”
Severus gulped. “I shall cross that bridge when I come to it. For now, I will devote myself to raising Harry.”
Now Albus looked very sad. “Devotion can never make someone love you, especially if they don’t want to love you. I know that well enough.”
“You were once devoted to someone?”
“Oh, yes, and he used it against me. He … Well, he wanted to destroy me. Destroy the world. I almost let him.”
“And now he rots in a prison cell.”
“I told you about Gellert?”
“No.”
“But you somehow know?”
“Yes.”
Albus nodded, then left.
*
It did take Snape and Black years to track down the Dark Lord. As it turned out, it was quite difficult nabbing someone without a body.
In the meantime, Harry grew up. Polperro was a lovely village to live. It was an old fishing harbour with a decent tourism industry. It was charming and cosy, with fun community festivals to attend.
As time went by, Severus nervously watched the changes in the boy. The last thing he wanted was to imprint his darkness on the boy.
When Harry was four, Severus noticed that he shied away from strangers, even looked upon them with distrust. At Tesco, Harry clung to Severus’ legs whenever someone grew too close, his big green eyes narrowing with suspicion.
This is unacceptable, Severus told himself, trying not to panic.
By the next week, Severus had scheduled three playdates for the boy. At first, Harry cried when he was left alone with the other children, but Severus refused to give up hope. The Harry he had known had been outgoing and confident. He’d made friends easily. Severus refused to let his own anti-social tendencies rub off on the child.
It took a few years, and countless awkward interactions between Severus and the other parents, but Harry developed bonds with the children in the neighbourhood, and he stopped looking at strangers with guarded hostility.
Severus also worried about the boy’s hobbies. He frowned deeply when, at the age of six, Harry asked Severus to purchase him books.
Books? Severus wanted to cry. No, no, not acceptable! You were never a reader before!
Instead, he said, “But what about a broom? Don’t you want to go flying?”
Harry raised a little eyebrow (another disconcerting action). “I’m too young for brooms, aren’t I? The ones they make for kids barely leave the ground.”
Severus wringed his hands. “What if—what if I went with you? We could fly together.”
“But you hate flying.”
“How do you know that?”
The child shrugged. “You don’t own any brooms. You sneer when a Quidditch match comes on the wireless. You—”
“I had no idea you were paying that close attention!”
Harry wrapped his arms around Severus’ midsection. He lifted his legs, trying to hang from him. “You’re my dad. Of course I’m paying attention.”
“I’m not your father; I’m your guardian.”
“Whatever you say,” Harry said, now giggling.
Severus, his lower back in agony, forced the child to let go of him. “Your real dad died a hero, Harry. So did your mum. I’m just doing my best as their replacement.”
Now Harry was yanking at his shirt, twisting it up in his small fists. He was in a hyper mood. “I think you are my real dad.” A big giggle. “I don’t know that other guy.”
I don’t know that other guy. What a thing to hear from the boy’s lips!
Severus found himself shaking his head. “Your father deserves respect, Harry. So does your mum. Your respect and your love.”
(Merlin, who had he become? Why was he defending James Potter?)
It was Harry’s turn to shake his head. His face was now set in determination. “No, I don’t love them. I love you.”
It wasn’t the first time the boy had said something similar. Each time he heard it, Severus felt ice-cold panic wash through him. He was infecting the boy, he had to be.
“Your heart has enough room for all of us, I promise you,” Severus said.
Harry gave Severus a look that seemed to say, I don’t think you understand how much love I have for you and not for them.
A couple days later, Severus had acquired a broom. It was a mediocre Cleansweep, nothing fancy. It also didn’t go very fast.
Severus, standing in their garden, was quaking, his knees in literal jeopardy of buckling.
Harry frowned up at him. “We don’t need to do it if you’re so afraid.”
“I’m not afraid,” Severus snapped.
“No? Then why are you angry?”
Severus shook his head, no idea what to say. He did get angry when he was afraid. He just hated that the boy had noticed.
Severus grabbed Harry by the back of his shirt and hauled him closer. He sent Protection Spell after Protection Spell at him.
“What are you doing?” Harry said, coughing. His spells had left a thick cloud of smoke in the air.
“I’m making sure you don’t fall to your death up there.”
“And what about you? What if you fall?”
“I’m not going to fall.”
“Dad.”
“I can fly on my own, Harry,” he said. “I don’t need a Protection Spell to save me.”
Harry gaped at him. “You can … fly? Like a bird?”
“Yes.”
“Show me!”
“No, not right now. I want us to focus on the broom.”
Harry stomped his little foot. “Show me!” he ordered.
Severus crossed his arms. He glared at the boy. “Don’t be a brat. I won’t stand for it.”
Rolling his eyes, Harry wrapped himself around Severus, clinging and yanking and rocking. “Pleasepleasepleasepleaseplease … PLEASE!!!”
Severus almost lost his footing. He tried to pry the boy’s hands off him. “You are being ridiculous. Let me go this instant.”
“No.” A breathless giggle. “Not until you promise to show me.”
“I’ll show you after our broom ride, okay? Does that satisfy you, you utter heathen?”
Another giggle. “Yeah!”
Now distracted by his annoyance, Severus straddled the broom with confidence. “All right, get on,” he ordered.
Harry scrambled onto the broom, sitting in front of him. Severus hooked one arm around Harry’s stomach and grabbed the neck of the broom.
“Ready?” he asked, unable to hide his trembling.
Harry pressed his back against Severus, as if trying to comfort him. “Everything’s going to be okay, I promise.”
Severus laughed and kicked off the ground. He clutched Harry close as they rose up and up into the air.
Severus paused just above the treeline so they could take in the view. “Do you see the sea?”
“Yeah!”
“It’s beautiful, isn’t it?”
“It’s very blue!”
“Yes, it is. The sea is blue because the water absorbs the other colours on the spectrum, leaving just the blue for our eyes to see.”
“What spectrum?”
“The colour spectrum. They haven’t taught you about that in your Muggle school?”
“I’m only six! They aren’t expecting me to be a genius or something.”
Severus laughed again. Sometimes the boy was very funny. “Do you want to go faster?”
“Yeah!”
So Severus summoned the courage and went faster. The air had a bite to it as it tousled their hair.
Harry cried out in pure happiness.
They raced through the sky, nearly touching the clouds. Severus found himself going faster and faster as Harry’s whoops and laughter and cries grew louder.
When they finally landed back on the ground, Severus was contemplating learning tricks so he could impress little Harry even more, but Harry had other things on his mind.
Utterly brimming with energy, Harry jumped from foot to foot. “I want to see you fly now! Go on, go on! I want to see it!”
As casually as possible, Severus flew to the shed to put away the broom. He was out of practice and only rose a few inches in the air, but it still made Harry yell, “Whoa!”
Severus was damn near strutting as they made their way back into the house. It made him very, very happy to impress Harry.
“Do it again, do it again!” Harry cheered in the lounge, so Severus flew to the kitchen to pour them glasses of water.
In the kitchen, Harry gazed up at him as if he were no mere mortal. “You are powerful,” he whispered reverently.
Severus shrugged. “All it took was patience and practice. You can do it too if you commit yourself to the hard work of learning the spell. When you are older, of course.”
Harry nodded seriously, his glass forgotten in his hand. “I want to grow up and be just as powerful as you.”
This made Severus frown. He didn’t remember the other Harry ever coveting power. In fact, Harry had been suspicious of it—and rightfully so.
“Power isn’t everything,” Severus heard himself say.
Harry rolled his eyes. “Sure, it is! Powerful people can have anything they want!”
“Most of the time, power is an illusion.”
“What’s that?”
“Something that is not real.”
“You flying is real.”
“Yes …”
“And you being able to make potions and lift heavy books is real.”
Severus nodded.
“All of that’s power, isn’t it?”
“I suppose … but power isn’t everything in the world. Love is what ultimately matters.”
Harry looked at him as if he were immensely stupid. “Why do I have to worry about love when you will always be with me?”
Severus almost said, Because I might not always be with you … One day, I might die … But he couldn’t say that to a six year old.
Still, Harry seemed to sense his hesitation, for he set down his glass and wrapped himself around Severus once again. He rested his little chin on his stomach and gazed up at him with those big green eyes.
Even in this timeline, Harry had preferred the big round glasses.
“You won’t ever leave me, right?” Harry whispered.
Frowning, Severus tried to extract the boy from him, but Harry wouldn’t let go. “Nothing is permanent, love,” he said, doing his best to soften the blow of his words.
Something hard came into Harry’s eyes. “Are you planning to leave me?”
“No! Of course not!”
Harry still watched him. It was both adorable and unsettling to see such calculating suspicion on his young face. “You’re not keeping things from me, right?”
Severus shook his head, annoyed. “Of course I’m keeping things from you! I’m a grown up and you are a child.”
“But we are a team, aren’t we? Like Danger Mouse and Penfold! We stick together.”
Sighing, Severus wrestled out of Harry’s grasp. “We aren’t equals, Harry. I’m your guardian and you’re my ward.”
“I’m your son!” Harry yelled the words.
There was such intense vulnerability in the boy’s expression that Severus caressed his hand through his wild hair, wanting to soothe. He dropped a kiss to his forehead, right on the scar. “I love you very much, Harry.”
“Like a son?”
“Yes.”
Harry threw himself into his arms. “Dad,” he whispered, clinging once more.
This time, Severus didn’t have it in him to let him go.
*
Harry was nine when Snape and Black finally returned from Albania. They had captured the spirit of the Dark Lord, imprisoning it in a box created by an Illyrian sorceress almost two thousand years ago.
They had also sought out and executed the snake Nagini. It had been difficult work, for the Dark Lord hadn’t bonded with her yet, and she had acted like so many of the other snakes in the forest.
Severus learned about all of this from Albus, who still dropped in to check on Harry periodically. Harry, sensing Severus’ discomfort, had always been icy with the elder wizard.
Severus had expected a visit from Black, of course he had, but what he hadn’t expected was a visit from Black and Snape—together.
It was a stormy Saturday night, and Severus and Harry were reading by the fire. Harry was making his way through the children’s novel, Where the Red Fern Grows. Severus warned him that it wasn’t a happy book.
There was a knock on the front door. Frowning, Severus grabbed his wand and went to answer it. With Harry in the house, he could never be too careful.
On the other side of the door stood Snape and Black. Severus took one look at Black and blushed. He was young and fit and had a beard.
“Hello,” Black said.
“Hello,” Severus said.
Snape rolled his eyes. “Jesus Christ. Let us in, old man.”
Severus stepped aside, letting them pass. Harry was already peeking into the foyer.
“Who is it?” Harry said curiously.
Black stopped in his tracks. He stared.
Harry frowned at him. “Who are you?”
A moment passed before Black found his voice. His grey eyes shone with emotion.
“I’m your godfather, Harry.”
*
They gathered in the lounge, the fire hissing and popping on the hearth. Severus served everyone tea.
Snape and Black sat on the settee, and quite close, too. They were obviously very comfortable with one another.
“I didn’t know I had a godfather,” Harry said.
“I’m surprised Severus didn’t tell you,” Black said. “Surely he knew I would want to see you?”
Severus sipped his tea and didn’t say anything. In truth, he had been hoping to avoid the whole messy business.
“How are you my godfather? Did you know my parents?”
“Yes, Harry. I was your dad’s best mate.”
The boy blinked rapidly.
“This is a proper chance for you to learn more about your father,” Severus said to him gently.
Harry gave him a wounded look. “But you are my dad.”
Black’s gaze snapped to Severus. It narrowed. “Harry … Severus here isn’t your dad. James is. And he loved you very much.”
“I DON’T CARE!” Harry yelled.
“Harry, please,” Severus said anxiously.
“Of course you’ve ruined the boy,” Snape said. “I knew Dumbledore shouldn’t have left him with you.”
Harry chucked aside his cup and marched up to Snape. “Who are you?” he demanded. “And why do you look like my dad?”
Severus covered his face. “Please, Harry. Love. Stop calling me your father.”
Harry ignored him. He was too busy glaring at Snape. Snape sneered back.
“My name is Severus, too,” Snape said.
Harry’s glare only intensified. “Why did you steal my dad’s name?”
“He isn’t your father, you idiot boy.”
“Don’t call him names!” Severus said.
“I don’t like you,” Harry snapped.
Snape’s sneer deepened. “I assure you, the feeling is mutual.”
Black grabbed Snape’s thigh and gave it a squeeze. “Stop trying to bully my godson. You are only embarrassing yourself.”
Everything in the room seemed to go still. Severus and Harry stared at the touch. Snape’s face was suddenly the colour of an aubergine. Black grinned, utterly unconcerned.
Snarling, Snape shoved his hand away. “Don’t touch me! Not in front of them!”
Still grinning, Black draped an arm over the back of the settee, right behind Snape’s head. The position only brought their bodies closer.
They’re f*cking, Severus thought in amazement. He experienced an on-slaught of wild emotions, the main one being jealousy.
Severus raised his eyes to Black, trying to check him out without being detected, but Black gave him a knowing wink.
Next to him, Snape fidgeted terribly, looking as if he wished to crawl right out of his own skin.
Harry also seemed affected. He was staring at the two men with a strange curiosity. Severus had never seen that particular expression on his face, and he was well-versed in all the boy’s expressions.
“How did you meet James?” Harry asked Black.
“You mean your dad?”
“I mean James.”
Black sighed. “We met on the train going to Hogwarts.”
“Hogwarts … What house were you two in?”
Black looked past the boy at Severus. He gave him a very disapproving stare. “Gryffindor, of course. Severus didn’t tell you?”
“He probably mentioned it and I just forgot.”
“Gryffindor is the best house, Harry. You’ll see.”
Both Severus and Snape snorted.
“I haven’t made up my mind,” Harry said with a frown. “What makes Gryffindor the best?”
“It’s where the brave students are. The courageous ones. It’s loads and loads of fun, I promise.”
Harry sneaked a glance at Severus. “But … Dad was in Slytherin and he’s the bravest man I know.”
Black just shook his head. “Harry … would you like to come live with me? I’ve got a grand townhouse in London. It’s an exciting place. You’d love it there.”
Harry stumbled back as if burned. “What? No.”
“I could show you around London. We could go flying on my motorbike. You like flying, don’t you?”
“No, no, no! You can’t make me!” The poor boy was panicking. “If you take me from here, I shall run away. I promise!”
Severus left his chair and knelt before the boy. He took him into his arms, cradling him. “Shh, it’s okay,” he whispered. “No one’s going to take you from me.”
“I’ll run away,” Harry repeated, trembling.
“I know,” Severus said, petting his hair.
“Dear God, you’ve made the boy utterly dependent on you,” Snape said with disgust.
Harry glared over his shoulder at him. “He’s my dad. I love him.”
“I’m not going to take you away,” Black said. “Not if you want to stay.”
“I want to stay!”
“Will you let me get to know you, at least?” Black said.
Harry hesitated. “You’re not going to turn me against him or something stupid like that. No matter what you say!”
Black mustered another grin. “I won’t try to do that, I promise. I just want to spend time with you, Harry. I’ve missed you. And, during all these long years away, I’ve been thinking of you.”
“How can you miss me if you don’t even know me?”
Black laughed. “No idea but I do!”
Later, once the boy was in bed, Severus took out the whisky and poured everyone a splash.
“You two are lovers?” Severus said.
Snape choked on his sip of liquor. “That’s none of your business!”
Black rolled his eyes. “Yes, we are. Have been for quite awhile. Being back in England has made Snape twitchy about it.”
Severus shook his head. Deep down, he had always secretly thought Sirius Black was rather handsome, but his hatred for him had always been stronger than his attraction to him.
“We were isolated,” Snape sneered. “Sirius seduced me.”
“Oh, come off it!” Black growled. “You were gagging for it.”
Snape sputtered loudly.
“Was it ghastly in Albania?” Severus asked, pouring them more whisky.
“Yes and no,” Black said. “I expected it to take a mere month or so to find Voldemort. Instead, it took eight years.”
“All the snakes in the forest were protecting his whereabouts,” Snape explained. “It took us a long time to gain the trust of their leaders. We both had to learn rudimentary Parseltongue.”
“And is he really stuck in a box? The Dark Lord?”
“Yes,” Snape answered.
“How did you finally capture him?”
“We used a unicorn as bait,” Black said. “The snakes said he had been looking for one—thought maybe possessing its body would cure him in some way—”
Severus nodded. “That sounds like him.”
Black sipped at his whisky as he eyed Severus. “Why haven’t you told Harry about his parents?”
“I’ve tried but he doesn’t have much interest in them.”
“Do you really expect me to believe that? You loathed James.”
“I told the boy that his parents were heroes,” Severus said. “What else do you want from me?”
“For one, Harry shouldn’t be calling you Dad.”
“I’m raising him! I’m the only parent he knows!”
Black was still eyeing him. “What are you getting out of this? Why did you travel back in time to just be a babysitter?”
Severus straightened in his chair. “Without me, you would still be in Azkaban, rotting away. Without me, the boy would be living in a Muggle’s cupboard, being starved and overlooked and abused.”
Something shifted in Black’s expression. “Were you in love with James?”
Snape gasped in horror. “What the f*ck?”
“No, I wasn’t in love with Potter.”
“The boy must represent your guilt in some way. Something lost to you.”
Shaking his head, Severus said, “You are sleeping with my younger self. Why don’t you ask him? He would remember better than me.”
Snape made a choking sound. “I wasn’t—No way!”
Black sent Snape a grin. “I know I’m rather attractive, love, but perhaps I’m just a stand in for someone you were never able to have?”
More choking sounds.
Severus shook his head again. “If you must know, I was in love with Lily, not Potter. We were childhood friends, if you recall.”
Black’s mouth dropped open, and Snape jumped to his feet, outraged.
“How dare you!” Snape cried.
Severus blinked up at him. “What?”
Snape had his wand out. He was pointing it at Severus. “THAT WAS A SECRET!”
“Still? You are shagging Black.”
Snape trembled from head to toe. He looked deranged, out of his mind. “My feelings for her were personal. My devotion. I spent eight years in a bloody forest, tracking a ghost, for her!”
Severus stood as well. “You did it all just for her? Not for the greater good? Not because you took that stupid Mark on your arm?”
“YES!”
“You are pathetic,” Severus hissed.
Snape got in his face, his wand still pointed at him. “I’m the pathetic one? Me? At least I’m not obsessed with a literal child! And how deep does your perverted obsession go, hmm? I know Dumbledore has his suspicions—”
Severus chucked himself at Snape, punching him in the jaw, then in the stomach. They toppled backward, landing on the floor. They were hitting each other with all their might.
“Merlin, stop it you two!” Black had to hook his arms around Snape and yank him away. Snape yelled and kicked and fought the hold.
“Dad?” came a small voice from the doorway.
All three men snapped to attention. Snape wrangled from Black’s grasp to stand tall in front of the boy.
Severus covered his bloody nose with a hand. “Harry, what are you doing up?”
Harry stepped into the room, his eyes narrowed. He looked so small standing there in his dinosaur pyjamas. “I heard scary sounds. What’s going on?”
“It’s nothing,” Severus said quickly. “Go back to bed.”
Harry came closer. “Are you bleeding?”
Severus felt blood trailing down his arm as he held his face. “Yes,” he said, unable to lie. “There was an accident.”
Harry swerved on Snape, his little chest puffing up. “You hurt him, didn’t you?”
Snape sneered. “He hurt me first. He had it coming.”
Harry took a step closer, his eyes blazing. “If you do that again, I promise I will make you pay for it.”
Severus expected his younger self to laugh off the threat, but Snape appeared stunned. He was staring down at the boy as if he were seeing him for the very first time.
“You stand up for your friends, don’t you?” Snape murmured.
Harry’s eyes narrowed even more. “He isn’t my friend; he’s my dad.”
“You stand up for the ones you love … and you love him.”
Harry raised his little chin. “I do.”
There was a strange pause, then Snape said roughly, “Did anyone ever tell you that you have your mother’s eyes?”
Harry looked at Severus in confusion. “I have my mum’s eyes?”
“Okay, that’s enough excitement for tonight,” Severus said quickly. He sent a few Healing Spells at his nose. “Harry, please go back to bed. I will be up to speak to you once I’ve seen our guests out.”
The boy nodded and turned to leave.
“Harry, can I have a hug good-bye?” Black said hopefully.
He looked at Black with apprehension. “No, sorry!” he said before dashing away.
Black sighed.
“Just give it time,” Severus said. “He will come around.”
They went into the foyer, and Severus opened the door. A bigger storm had blown into town, the wind howling outside.
“Well, thanks for the pleasant visit,” Severus said dryly. “We must do it again.”
“I’ll be in touch,” Black said. “I meant it when I said I wanted to see Harry.”
Severus nodded. He stepped back, giving Snape space to walk out, but Snape went for him, not the door.
“You’re a sick f*ck,” Snape hissed in his face.
Severus stared into his own eyes. They were such ugly eyes. Empty, even. He felt a mean smirk twist his mouth. “We’re the same person. If I’m a sick f*ck, then you are, too.”
Snape raised his fist again, but Black grabbed his wrist and towed him closer. He framed his face, nearly pressing their foreheads together.
“Enough,” Black whispered.
“You don’t understand—!”
Black shook him a little. “Enough.” When Snape opened his mouth to still argue, Black kissed him. It was a commanding kiss.
Severus couldn’t help but stare. What a sight.
The kiss went on and on, until Snape finally released his anger. It was fascinating to see him surrender to the other man.
Black eased back to kiss his cheek, then his nose. “Let’s go home,” he murmured, his thumbs caressing thin, pale cheeks.
Snape nodded mutely. He didn’t look at Severus as they walked out.
Severus shut the door and locked it. He slumped back, exhaling loudly. Jesus Christ. He hadn’t realised just how much tension he had been holding in his body.
Utterly depleted, Severus wandered upstairs. When he poked his head inside Harry’s room, he found his bed empty. Frowning, he headed for his own room.
Harry was curled up in his bed, practically covering his head with a pillow. Severus sat down on the edge and smoothed a hand down his warm back.
“Is everything all right, love?”
Harry nodded, not uncovering his head. “It’s just the storm. It scares me.”
Severus continued to caress his back. “I’m sorry you had to see all that downstairs. Grown ups can be rather stupid.”
A few seconds passed, then Harry’s little shoulders began to shake. He was crying.
“Oh, love,” Severus said, gathering him in his arms. “Everything’s going to be okay, I promise.”
Harry cried into his shirt. “I don’t want them to take me away from you.”
“They aren’t, I promise.”
“You let them hurt you, though! You let them say awful things to you!”
“It’s complicated,” Severus said, still rubbing his back.
Harry raised his tear-streaked face, his eyes looking entirely too big without his glasses. “I don’t care what anyone says—what you say. You are my dad, no one else!”
Severus dropped a kiss to his warm forehead. “I love you, Harry.”
The boy wiped his face and glared up at him. “Are you sure about that?”
His little angry expression made Severus laugh. “What have I done wrong now?”
“That man wants me to live in London with him! To take me for rides on his motorbike! And you’d let him! You’d let him be my dad, not you!”
“Well, he is your godfather.”
“That’s what I mean!” Harry cried, fresh tears spilling down his face.
“Harry, Harry,” Severus whispered soothingly, holding the boy close. “It’s okay for you to let Black—Sirius—into your heart. There’s enough space for me and him in your life.”
“I don’t want to let him into my heart! I hate him!”
“It’s okay if you like someone more than me,” Severus said, sensing the source of all the boy’s anxieties.
Harry glared up at him in tearful resolve. “I will never like someone more than you.”
Sighing, Severus said, “You say that now, but one day you will feel differently, I promise. One day, you will have a family of your own—”
“YOU ARE MY FAMILY!”
Severus held the boy closer, his head spinning. He must have done this to the boy. He must have, he must have …
This level of dependency was toxic, wasn’t it?
“I think it’s time for you to go back to your own bed.”
Harry clung to him. “No, please. Let me stay here. The storm.”
Another sigh. Severus was too exhausted to fight with him. “Okay, but just for tonight.”
“Yay!”
Shaking his head, Severus went into the bathroom. He needed a shower to clean the dried blood off him. His nose was throbbing like hell, too.
When he came out, he found Harry already asleep, curled up on his side. He slipped under the duvet alongside him, keeping his sleeping shirt on. It wasn’t the first time the boy had slept in his bed, but it felt different now after everything that had transpired that night.
It took Severus no time at all to pass out. When he awoke, it was in the middle of the night, and everything was dark. The storm was quieter outside the window.
Then Severus realised the boy was holding his thigh. Like he had seen Black do to Snape.
Severus, half-awake and utterly over it, merely eased his hand away, rolled to his side, and went back to sleep.
*
A few weeks later, Black returned by himself. Severus had invited him over. The day was sunny, the air cool, and little Harry was playing out in the garden with his children’s Potions set.
Harry gave Severus a look of pure betrayal when he spotted Black crossing the grass toward him.
Severus hung back and let Black interact with the boy on his own. Harry refused to even acknowledge him until he produced two toy snakes from his pocket.
Harry’s eyes went wide. He smiled despite himself. “They are pretty,” he breathed.
Black grinned, his gaze gleaming with affection. “They look real, don’t they? I played with them as a kid. Loved them with all my heart.”
Harry reached out hesitantly. “Can I touch them?”
“Of course.”
“Do they have names?”
“Yes … but would you like to name them? They wouldn’t mind having new ones.”
Harry thought about it as he petted their little hissing heads. “Well, this one’s black, so how about ‘Shadow’? And this one’s white, so how about … ‘Ghost’?
“Shadow and Ghost,” Black said, beaming. “Brilliant.”
Nodding to himself, Severus ventured back into the cottage. He busied himself with chores, only occasionally pausing to listen to what was happening outside. A few times, he heard Harry’s delighted giggles, and a strange mix of relief and dread coursed through him.
This was a good thing, having Black in Harry’s life. The boy needed other people to look up to. He needed his world to be bigger than Severus.
After a few hours, Severus invited them inside for tea and biscuits, and Harry, utterly excited, grabbed Black’s hand and yanked him into the house.
The three of them sat at the dining table, drinking their Earl Grey, dunking their Digestives. Severus flipped through the Prophet as Harry and Black chatted happily. The snakes were sleeping on Harry’s shoulders.
Suddenly, Harry asked, “Sirius, is that nasty Snape fellow your husband?”
Black spilled his tea all down his front. Luckily, Severus wasn’t holding his cup, or he would have done the same.
“What?” Black said.
“Is he your husband?”
“My—My—No!”
Harry frowned. “Is he your wife, then?”
Black glanced at Severus, utterly astonished. Then he burst into laughter. Severus folded up his newspaper, not a clue what to say.
It took Black a moment to respond. “No, he isn’t my wife or my husband,” he said, still trying to regain his composure. “He’s my boyfriend.”
Now Harry was blinking in confusion.
“I don't think this is an appropriate topic for conversation,” Severus said.
It was Black’s turn to frown. “Why not?”
Severus shook his head. “He’s nine.”
“So!” Harry said, leaning forward excitedly. “I’ll be ten in a few months!”
Black was still frowning. “There’s nothing about my relationship with Snape that needs to be kept from children.”
Severus sighed deeply. He was thinking about Harry’s little hand on his thigh. “He’s young, too young. He’s impressionable.”
“I’m not impressive-able!” Harry said.
Black rolled his eyes. “Your dad here thinks this conversation should wait, so it will wait, but what I shall say now is that Snape and I are in love and happy, and we would love for you to visit us in London, Harry.”
Severus went very warm. Your dad.
Harry groaned moodily. “Fine, don’t explain it to me!”
Later, as Severus was seeing Black out, he said, “I can’t believe you called me his father. What in the hell would Potter think?”
Black shook his head and smiled. “I did it more for Harry than you, but if you must know, I’ve already made peace with disappointing my dead friend. I’m shagging you, after all.”
Severus stuttered as he said, “You’re not shagging me. You’re shagging him.”
Black leaned in. “I know your co*ck is massive.”
Severus flushed hotly. His breath even caught.
Laughing, Black took a step back. “You need to get laid, old man.”
“That is none of your concern!”
Still laughing, Black walked out, his cologne trailing after him. Severus did his best not to be affected.
The handsome tosser was right, though. He did need to get laid, but all that would have to wait until Harry went off to Hogwarts.
*
Over the next year and a half, Harry continued to spend time with Sirius. He even spent several weeks at Grimmauld Place with him over the summer. He seemed to enjoy his time immensely, but Snape missed him so much that he could barely eat or sleep when he was gone.
Harry wasn’t the only one who had grown dependent.
Albus also met with Severus about the Horcruxes. “My connections at Gringotts continue to fail me. I must get inside the Lestrange Vault, but so far, I’ve had little luck.”
Severus nodded. “I suppose we could have someone sneak in, but it’s not guaranteed that they would make it out.”
“Exactly, and I’m hoping to avoid that. Pure old bribery should do that trick.”
“And what of the other Horcruxes?”
Albus nodded. “We’ve destroyed the diary, and the ring, and the serpent, though I doubt she was actually a Horcrux when Snape and Black ended her. Then there’s Harry.”
“What about the one related to Ravenclaw?”
“I’m still working on tracking that one down, too. However, I believe it to be a diadem.”
“Fascinating,” Severus muttered.
“Truly.”
“So, after you’ve destroyed the cup from Lestrange’s vault and the diadem, then you will be left with the final mystery Horcrux.”
Another nod. “Do you have any idea where it could be? Or its location?”
“I’ve spent much time contemplating this question. I’ve racked my memory of our conversations. One time, just in passing, I believe you mentioned a cave.”
Albus’ gaze lit up. “A cave? Really?”
“Yes, but only that you were searching it, trying to uncover its secrets. Do you know of any cave related to the Dark Lord?”
“In fact, I do.”
Severus let out a sigh of relief. “Good, very good.”
*
When Harry received his Hogwarts letter, Severus burst into tears. For a minute or so, Harry was too busy running around and cheering, but then his feet came to a sliding stop.
“Dad, what’s wrong?”
Severus tried to hide his face. “Nothing, love. I’m just so happy for you.”
“But you’re crying.”
Severus yanked the boy into a desperate hug. He kissed his wild black hair and clung to him. “They are happy tears, I promise. My boy is growing up.”
Harry beamed up at him. “I am your boy. Always and always.”
Severus cried some more. He doubted Harry would remain so sweet. Hogwarts would change him.
Going to Hogwarts also meant diving head-first into the magical world. So far, Severus had intentionally kept Harry away from most witches and wizards. The boy didn’t need his fame going to his head.
“Harry, love, we need to talk,” Severus said, urging him into a chair.
A shadow came over Harry’s face. “What is it?”
Severus sank to his knees in front of the boy. He grasped his little hands tightly. “When we go to Diagon Alley to buy your things for school, you need to be prepared for people to treat you differently.”
“What do you mean?”
Severus gulped. “I mean that most people think of you as the Boy Who Lived.”
Understanding sparked in his green gaze. “Yes, I think I know. Sirius has told me about some of it.”
“Has he told you about the Dark Lord?”
“You mean Voldemort?”
Another gulp. “Yes.”
Harry stared off into the distance. “You’ve always said that my parents died heroes, that they were murdered by a very evil man … And that man was Voldemort, wasn’t he?”
“Yes.”
“And he—he tried to kill me, didn’t he? He tried to kill me but my parents defended me. They died for me.”
Fresh tears streamed down Severus’ face. “Yes. That’s why you’ve got that scar on your forehead.”
“Please don’t cry, Dad.”
“I’m trying not to.”
“Well, try harder!”
Severus snorted. He kissed Harry’s little knuckles, still teary-eyed. “The Dark Lord tried to kill you, but he wasn’t successful. He underestimated your power, even as a baby.”
Harry’s eyes shone. “Really?”
“You are so clever, Harry. So capable. You could become a very great wizard, I have no doubt, but, ultimately, what makes you better than the Dark Lord is your capacity for love.”
The boy seemed to have a revelation, his eyes going wide. “Is that why I love you so much?”
Severus shook his head. “You love me so intensely because I’ve kept your world small, but from now on, your world will open up. I just hope you greet it with enthusiasm.”
“Why do you think so little of yourself, Dad?”
Severus yanked his hands away. “What?”
“You don’t like yourself all that much, do you?”
“Where is all this coming from? You’re ten.”
“I’m eleven.”
“Still—Has Black been talking to you about me? Has Snape?”
Harry stood and rested his hands on his hips. “I love you because you deserve to be loved. I love you because you are a brilliant dad.”
Severus took a step back, utterly uncomfortable. “Did you read one of those barmy self-help books or something? Where is this coming from?”
“I LOVE YOU AND YOU JUST HAVE TO ACCEPT IT!”
Severus backed up even more. “Watch some telly or listen to the wireless. I need—I need to be alone.”
“Dad,” the boy said anxiously.
“It’s all right, everything’s all right, I just need some time to myself.”
Severus fled up to his room. The role reversal of their conversation had shaken him to his core.
As he lay in bed, he kept hearing Harry’s little voice: You don’t like yourself all that much, do you?
Of course, he didn’t! In fact, he loathed himself.
He’d just never intended for Harry to notice.
*
A few days later, Severus and Harry set off for Diagon Alley. Severus contemplated wearing a disguise but then thought better of it. It would probably cause more problems than solve.
They entered Diagon Alley via the Leaky Cauldron. They were only in the place for a second, but people still recognised Harry and tried to swarm him.
Severus spotted Professor Quirrell but he wasn’t wearing a turban. He also wasn’t stuttering.
“It’s very nice to meet you, Harry,” he said kindly.
Harry nodded amiably, but Severus could tell he was already growing a bit overwhelmed.
“Sorry, we must be off,” he said. “Loads and loads to do today.”
They fled into the Alley. There were hordes of people on the street, which was a good thing. No one recognised Harry amongst the crowd.
“How are you holding up?” Severus asked.
Harry raised his chin bravely. “Just fine.”
Severus loved him so, so much.
Their first stop was Madam Malkin’s. Severus felt pure ice flood through him when he stepped into the shop and spotted little Draco Malfoy being fitted for his school robes.
“Perhaps we should come back later,” Severus said, looking around hastily for Lucius or Narcissa. The last thing he wanted was to blunder his way through a conversation with them.
“What? No way!” Harry said, already eyeing the blond boy. He left Severus and walked right up to Draco.
Severus held his breath, expecting a row to break out, but then something worse happened: The boys began to chat excitedly. Draco made Harry giggle several times.
“Your parents. They are our kind, aren’t they?” Draco asked.
“Oh, it’s just me and my dad. He’s a wizard, if that’s what you’re asking.” Harry pointed and waved at Severus.
Severus raised his hand. Draco gave him a quick once-over, then nodded as if Severus passed his inspection.
“Know what house you’ll be in yet?”
Harry shrugged. “I’m still deciding.”
“Well, you must make up your mind soon! You only get one chance to plead your case to the hat. I think I’ll be in Slytherin, all our family have been—imagine being sorted in Hufflepuff, I think I’d leave, wouldn’t you?”
Harry giggled again. “My dad was in Slytherin.”
“Was he now?” Draco looked at Severus again, this time with more appraisal.
“Yes, but my godfather wants me to be in Gryffindor.”
Draco gave a great big shudder. “Gryffindor is for the brutes—and the stupid. You don’t want to be stupid, do you?”
Harry straightened a little. “My godfather isn’t stupid … though, he can be a bit rude sometimes.”
Draco sniffed. “That’s exactly what I mean.”
After Harry’s fitting, they wandered to Flourish and Blotts. “You should be more careful when mentioning Black,” Severus said as they examined the shelves. “Not many people can know that he’s in England.”
Harry frowned. “Oh, right. I’ll remember not to say anything from now on.” He sighed. “Dad, when are you going to start calling him Sirius? He’s been awfully nice to you lately. Don’t you think he deserves it?”
“Do you want me to call him Sirius?”
“Yes!”
“Then I shall.”
Once they left the bookshop, they headed to the apothecary, then to the cauldron shop, and then to Scribbulus for some quality quills and parchment. Harry wanted to stop in at Quality Quidditch Supplies, but Severus refused. He knew he wouldn’t be able to get out of there without buying Harry a broom.
When they passed by the Magical Menagerie, however, Severus couldn’t stop Harry from rushing inside. “I need my own owl, don’t I? Don’t I?”
“Hogwarts has loads of owls; you don’t need your own.”
Still, they left the shop with Hedwig in hand. Harry gazed upon the snowy owl with adoration.
“She’s the best owl in the world, I already know it,” Harry said.
“Yes, yes,” Severus said, his arms laden with too many parcels. “The last thing we need to get you is your wand.”
“YES! MY WAND!”
“Hush, don’t raise your voice.” His head was already aching.
Harry grinned. “Sorry, Dad.”
When they reached Ollivander’s, Severus hesitated, not sure how much he should warn the boy. He was still mulling it over when Harry lost patience and charged into the shop, leaving Hedwig on the side of the street.
Sighing, Severus minimised more purchases and stuffed them into his pockets so he could pick up the owl’s cage.
Mr Ollivander was already speaking to Harry when Severus found them. Severus kept out of the way as Harry tried out different wands.
When Harry found the right one for him, Ollivander’s eyes sparked with interest. He looked upon the boy with almost greedy curiosity.
“What is it? What’s the matter?” Harry said.
“I remember every wand I've ever sold, Mr Potter. Every single wand. And it just so happens that the phoenix, whose tail feather resides in your wand, gave another feather. Just one other. It is curious that you should be destined for this wand, when its brother gave you that scar.”
Harry looked at Severus in bewilderment. “He’s talking about Voldemort, isn’t he?”
“We do not speak his name!” Ollivander insisted.
“How do I have a wand like his? I don’t want it!”
“The wand chooses the wizard, Mr Potter. It's not always clear why. But I think it is clear that we can expect great things from you. After all, He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named did great things also. Terrible, yes ... but great.”
Severus and Harry were sombre as they left the wand shop.
“Do you want some ice cream?” Severus asked, hoping to cheer up the boy.
Harry shook his head.
“Do you want to go home?”
A nod. Yes.
Back in Polperro, Harry picked up his owl and went up to his room, where he closed and locked the door.
Severus, trying not to panic, unpacked their shopping parcels. Harry had never barred him entry to his room.
Was the boy okay? Would he hurt himself? It was a lot to find out that you carried a wand so similar to the Dark Lord’s.
But this was all part of growing up, wasn’t it? At least for Harry. He would have to reconcile all the ways in which their fates were intertwined.
He doesn’t even know about the prophecy yet, Severus thought, but no matter. If all of his hard work paid off, all of his sacrifices, then the prophecy would be a moot point. He will still need to be the one to kill what remains of the Dark Lord, though. Yes, it was true. Severus couldn’t protect him from every ghastly aspect of his fate.
One day, his boy would have to raise his wand to the Dark Lord and say, Avada Kedavra.
Was there anything Severus could do to actually prepare him for that? To prepare him to become a murderer?
Severus had no idea.
*
On September first, before they left for King’s Cross, Severus had to sit Harry down for another chat.
“You might get questions about where you’ve been, who raised you,” Severus said.
Harry nodded. “Yes, I figured.”
“You should make sure to keep it vague. Don’t mention me too much. And especially don’t mention Sirius by name.”
“Of course I’ll keep it vague. I don’t know anything about you.”
Severus blinked rapidly. He almost told Harry the truth, right then and there. My name is Severus Snape and I time-travelled seventeen years to save you.
“I’m sorry for not telling you more about myself,” he said roughly. “You will learn more about me once you are older.”
“Are you Snape’s dad or something?”
He sputtered. Loudly. “What? No! Do I really look that much older than him?”
Harry shook his head. “You don’t even look that old. I just thought … Well, you look so much like him. And he dislikes you so much. I just thought maybe he was mad that you were my dad now and no longer his.”
“Do you think that's what fatherhood is? We just go around chucking aside one child for another?”
The boy shrugged. “Maybe? Sometimes, in the stories I read, the dads have kids with other people in secret.”
Snape had to pinch the bridge of his nose. He really needed to be more careful with which books he let Harry pick up.
“Well,” Severus said, regaining his composure, “I’m never going to chuck you aside.”
A grin. “Good.”
“Snape and I are related, but I’m not his father.”
“That makes sense, I reckon. Especially since you are handsome and he is not.”
Severus sputtered some more. “I’m not handsome!”
“Yes, you are! Your eyes are so pretty.”
Pretty? Pretty?
Severus stood up, unwilling to entertain the boy any longer. “Just be careful with what you say around your school mates, yeah? And when the time’s right, I will tell you exactly who I am.”
Harry nodded. “I trust you.”
When they finally made it to King’s Cross, Severus’ arms were beaten up from heaving the trunk about on the train, sweat was pouring down his face, and the owl was hooting up a storm in her cage.
And Harry was damn near skipping in excitement.
On the platform, Severus looked around desperately for the Weasleys. The sooner Harry met Ronald Weasley, the sooner Severus could relax.
Disaster struck when Harry spotted Draco Malfoy and began to jump up and down to get his attention. When Draco saw him, he waved back with the same amount of excitement.
Oh, Christ, Severus thought as he watched the Malfoys approach them.
“Are you really Harry Potter?” Draco cried.
“Oh, um. Yeah. I am.”
“Why didn’t you say anything in the shop!”
Harry shrugged. “I don’t know. I didn’t think it was all that important.”
Draco looked at him as if he were stupid. “Of course it’s important! Father, Mother, I want you to meet Harry Potter.”
Lucius and Narcissa stared at the boy with mild interest. Severus took a step back, wanting to avoid introductions, but he didn’t have to worry. The Malfoys ignored him completely.
When the final horn sounded from the train, Harry threw himself into Severus’ arms. “I have to go now,” he whispered, clinging.
Severus kissed his forehead. “I’m going to miss you.”
“I’m going to miss you, too.”
“You’re going to have the time of your life.”
Harry shook his head. “I wish you could come along.”
Severus laughed. “No, you don’t. You’ll see. Not having parents around will be brilliant.”
“I’ll write to you, I promise.”
He gave Harry a final tight squeeze and released him. “You better.”
As the train rolled out of the station, Severus was one of the first to escape back through the wall. He refused to sob in public.
*
That night, Severus received his first owl from Harry. As he opened it, he could almost feel the boy’s excitement radiating off the parchment.
I was sorted into SLYTHERIN!!! Just like YOU!!!
Severus hadn’t realised he had fainted until he found himself on the floor, blinking up at the ceiling.
Oh, dear God, what had he done?
*
For a month, Severus let himself mourn Harry’s absence. He cried on and off for days. He went into Harry’s room just to touch his things. He even laid in his bed so he could smell his scent.
The boy wrote to him often, probably too often. Severus adored receiving his owls, setting eyes on his childish script, but the boy also had other things to focus on. Like his lessons and making friends. He needn’t be worried about his old dad back at home.
Have you met any of the Weasleys? Severus asked, his hand shaking with nerves.
Harry’s response arrived only a few hours later: Yes, a boy named Ron, but he’s in Gryffindor and doesn’t seem to like me all that much. It makes me sad because he’s rather funny, but it’s his loss if he doesn’t want to be my friend. I’ve also met a girl named Hermione Granger. She’s Muggleborn and very clever. She can be rather annoying though and no one in her house seems to like her, but Draco and I like her. He calls her a Mudblood sometimes and it causes a terrible row. I think he’s really stupid for it and needs to stop. Hermione lectures him about it, which he deserves. Why didn’t you tell me the Slytherin common room was like an aquarium? I saw the giant squid the other day while I was trying to read my Potions book!
Oh, how Severus adored Harry’s childish prattle. It made him utterly melt to read it as he rotted away in his lonely house.
At least, Harry had Granger in his life. He was a Slytherin now, and there was nothing Severus could do about it, but at least he had her.
Around October, after all of Severus’ tears had dried up, something seemed to switch in his brain. His co*ck came alive. He had dreams about getting f*cked and f*cking others. He had dreams about Harry. Not his Harry, the other one. The lost one. The one who was in Gryffindor, who was loud and outgoing, who chucked himself into danger at every turn.
He dreamed about Harry chasing after him across the dark grounds, wanting to hurt him, wanting to murder him.
And with his hand wrapped around his co*ck, he remembered how the young man had panted, fighting his magic, his gorgeous eyes flashing. Kill me then, he had said so bravely. Kill me like you killed him, you coward.
Severus org*smed thinking about all the contempt contained in those words. The young man had hated him, hated him, hated him … Just as it should be. Just as it should be.
Severus began to crack up if he let himself examine all the ways he had changed the boy. The danger of it. What would he hear and see in Slytherin? He was already prone to seeking out power because of Severus. And how would his classmates exacerbate it? Would he one day start calling Granger a Mudblood too? Would he start believing in pureblood ideology just like Draco?
And what was going to happen when he finally learned the truth of his fate? When he finally had to face the Dark Lord? Would he lower his wand? Would he let him live? Join him?
Severus could envision the owl from Harry now: I became a DEATH EATER!!! Just like YOU!!! Why didn’t you tell me this Dark Mark would hurt like hell?
All his dark worries threatened to overwhelm him, so he masturbat*d to take his mind off things. A lot. He gave into all his dirty urges. He ventured to a magical charity shop and purchased a beaten up Pensieve. His memories of the old Harry were fading, being replaced, and he needed to keep them safe. He spent a lot of time with his head dunked in the basin and his hand wrapped around his co*ck, stroking furiously.
There's No Need To Call Me ‘Sir,’ Professor.
Oh, f*ck yes. Yes, yes. That was the ticket.
When he had exhausted everything in his Pensieve, Severus sought out dirty magazines and even dirtier little vials of memories in Knockturn. He was pretty sure the memories were fabricated, or at least he hoped so, for they contained scenes of men shagging one another. Sometimes they were in love, sometimes they weren’t. His favourite, of course, were the ones that depicted a teacher and his student. You were a very naughty boy during my lesson, Alfie …
As the months wore on, and he was able to see just how happy Harry was at school, how unevil he was becoming, Severus began to settle himself, began to calm down. He picked up brewing again. Just for himself. He hadn’t had much time to brew when Harry had been around all the time. He also began to look at himself in the mirror. He usually avoided his reflection, but now, with so much time on his hands, he thought it best to start looking back at the man staring at him.
And Severus was fascinated by what he saw. He seemingly hadn’t aged since he had travelled back in time. In fact, he looked a bit younger than he had in 1998. Perhaps he had just been that haggard from the war. Perhaps living in a world where the Dark Lord was contained to a box made all his deep wrinkles fade away.
Or perhaps travelling back seventeen years had frozen him in time.
Whatever the case, Severus wasn’t going to worry about it.
Slowly, Severus grew used to being alone. He taught himself not to waste away his days waiting for Harry’s letters. The boy wrote so quickly that he rarely had time to include a proper good-bye, but Severus always made sure to end every note with, Love, Severus. Every single note. He didn’t want the boy to ever think he didn’t love him.
Severus had a lot of love to share. It was a surprising thing to realise. He had always thought he only had the capacity to harbour deep affection for one person at a time. First, it had been Lily, then it had been Harry … but then, on a very cold day in February, Severus met John.
*
“Harry, love, I have someone I’d like you to meet.”
The boy had been home now for almost two weeks, and Severus could no longer delay the introduction. Severus wasn’t about to not see his boyfriend all summer.
Sprawled out on the lounge floor, Harry was reading a book about Quidditch and sipping on an orangeade. He looked up at John and dropped his glass of carbonated sweetness.
“Hello, lad,” said John in his smooth, deep voice.
The boy hastily sat up, utterly ignoring all the liquid soaking into the carpet. “Who are you?”
Severus forced himself not to wring his hands. “Do you remember what Sirius said about Snape? How they were together. Well, John is like that to me.”
All the colour drained from Harry’s face. It was alarming to witness.
“He’s—he’s your boyfriend?” Harry whispered.
“Yes, exactly,” Severus said gently.
Harry ducked his head quickly. He didn’t say anything as he gathered his belongings.
“Harry—? Where are you going?”
Still, the boy didn’t say anything. He tried to slip around Severus and John on his way to the door, but Severus grabbed his arm.
“What’s the matter? Please look at me.”
Harry tried to yank away but Severus held on. He shook his head, not looking up.
“Love? What’s wrong?”
“NOTHING!” Harry suddenly screamed, and he began to thrash and thrash until Severus was forced to release him.
Then Severus saw his tears. They were flooding down his face. The boy looked devastated.
“Harry, please,” Severus said anxiously. “Tell me what’s wrong.”
“LEAVE ME ALONE!” Harry dashed from the room, his steps landing heavily on the stairs. A moment later, his bedroom door slammed shut.
“sh*t,” John muttered.
Severus sighed. “That didn’t go well.”
“Nope.”
Severus moved toward the stairs, wanting to chase Harry down, but no, he needed to give the boy time to cool off.
Severus mustered a smile. “Perhaps he will come down for dinner.”
“Yes.”
“Would you care to join me in the kitchen? I can scrounge up some wine, I think.”
John gave him one of his easy smiles. It was very sexy. “Of course.”
It was much later when Harry came down from his bedroom unexpectedly. Severus had the wireless on in the kitchen, the dinner roast was resting on the hob, and he and John had already finished off a big bottle of wine together.
John had Severus pinned against the counter, one large hand cupping his face, as he snogged him with barely suppressed passion. It had been like that since the beginning between them. They were just so hungry for one another. Severus couldn’t get enough of his lush dark skin, his dark twinkling eyes, his soft, supple mouth …
The kitchen table was on fire.
It was somehow on fire.
For a moment, they just stared at it blankly, not understanding, but then John cried out and jumped back.
Severus turned and discovered Harry in the doorway, his little hands balled up at his sides, his little chest heaving. He had been watching them.
Harry’s eyes utterly blazed as he glared at John. “Get away from him.”
“Harry—the fire—” Severus said. Then all the light fixtures exploded, raining down shards of glass. “HARRY, GET AHOLD OF YOURSELF!”
“GET AWAY FROM HIM!”
John put his hands up and backed far away. Severus saw the fear enter his eyes. He was a Muggle, after all.
“HARRY, GO TO YOUR ROOM!” Severus roared.
The boy burst into tears and ran off. Severus, unable to use his wand in front of John, yanked him into the lounge.
“But the fire—” John said weakly.
“Stay here for a moment, I’ll be right back.” Severus scurried back into the kitchen. He cast a quick Disillusionment Charm before using more magic to put out the fire and re-assemble all the glass fixtures.
When he returned to the lounge, John looked rather bewildered. “Shouldn’t we call someone about the fire?”
Severus shook his head. “I dealt with it. Everything’s okay now.”
“What? But the whole table—”
“I dealt with it. You don’t need to worry.”
John nodded slowly. He was obviously very confused.
Severus sighed. “I think you should go home for tonight. I need to talk to my son. I’m terribly sorry for the scene he caused.”
John managed a smile. “I didn’t realise he was so protective of you.”
“Me either.” Severus walked him to the door, then stole a quick kiss. “I’ll ring you, yeah?”
“Perhaps I shouldn’t come around when Harry’s at home …”
“No, that’s too ridiculous. He’ll warm up to you. He must.”
John didn’t look so sure as he took his leave.
Sighing again, Severus went upstairs to check on the boy. He found him sobbing in bed. He had one of his pillows pressed to his face.
“Oh, Harry,” Severus said, sitting down on the edge. “What was that all about?”
“I hate him, I hate him!” Harry screamed into the pillow.
Severus crawled into the bed and held him close. He was obviously in no state to talk about it.
Severus held him for a long time, rocking him a little, murmuring soft nonsense in his ear. Slowly, the boy calmed down.
“I’m sorry,” Harry sniffled.
He pulled Harry even closer. “What happened, love?” he asked gently. “Why did you react like that?”
“I don’t know,” he said, crying again. “I just love you so much.”
“You don’t need to fear John. He’s never going to replace you.”
Harry shook his head, his trembling mouth curled down. “It’s not about being replaced, I don’t think. I just … I just …”
“Yes?”
“I don’t know,” he said, utterly at a loss.
Hormones, Severus thought. The poor boy was obviously struggling under an on-slaught of them.
“It’s okay to have outbursts from time to time,” Severus said. “Emotions can be fickle things.”
“Yeah.”
“But you can’t do that around John again. You scared him. And I like him very much.”
“I know,” Harry grumbled.
“And you must consider the kitchen table. I don’t think it shall ever get over the fright.”
This earned him a weak giggle from the boy, which made Severus smile.
Severus continued to hold Harry, the both of them lost in thought.
“I wish I were a grown up,” Harry said suddenly.
This made Severus laugh. “What? Why?”
“Because then you wouldn’t need John.”
A shock went through him. Surely the boy wasn’t implying …
“I don’t understand what you mean,” Severus said gently.
Harry heaved a big sigh. “Me either.”
*
In the Fall, Harry went back to school, and Severus was able to spend more time with John. He hadn’t kept the two apart, and Harry had learned to control his temper around him, but the two never became mates.
Over the course of Harry’s second year, Severus received updates about Quidditch and classes and friends. Harry was playing on the house team now as Seeker and he had nothing but praise for the captain, Marcus Flint. He rather enjoyed Defence and Potions and Transfiguration. He loathed History of Magic. As for his friends, Draco and Granger continued to bicker, but the three of them were very close. They had even managed to sneak Granger into the Slytherin common room a couple of times.
Around Valentine’s Day, Harry shared a secret with Severus: I think Draco fancies Hermione but she has no idea! I caught him trying to write her a Valentine! I offered to help him but he refused and made me swear I wouldn’t tell a soul, so naturally, I dropped everything so I could write to you about it immediately. Draco is a nice enough looking fellow, but he still calls Hermione the M word when he loses his patience with her, so between me and you, I don’t think he has a chance with her, at least not yet. I also think he’s nervous about what his parents will think. Last year, they sent him a Howler when they found out he was her friend. I can’t remember if I even told you about that. Just mad stuff, really.
In May, right before Harry came back home for the summer, Severus and Albus met at Grimmauld Place to review updates on the Horcruxes and the containment of the Dark Lord.
Severus loathed stepping foot in Grimmauld Place. It reminded him too much of Order meetings.
Sirius and Snape served them dinner. It was fascinating to see them being domestic together. Snape had been in charge of the soup and salad while Sirius had pan-fried the lamb chops.
The four men sat around the old kitchen table, drinking wine, enjoying their meal. Snape watched Albus with careful respect and sneaked suspicious glances at Severus, but his eyes went so soft when they landed on Sirius. He seemed utterly in love with him, even though he did his best not to show it when others were present.
It made Severus reflect on his feelings for John. He didn’t think he could ever be in love with John. He had love and affection for him, yes, but that was different from being in love.
“We have secured Hufflepuff’s cup and destroyed the Horcrux inside it,” Albus said after their plates were cleared.
“Very good,” Severus said. “Did you find the cave?”
“Yes, and Sirius and Snape here helped me fight the horrors it contained, but we did not locate the Horcrux.”
“It’s a locket, we believe,” Sirius said. “We also believe it was my own brother who stole the Horcrux inside the cave. He then tried to destroy it but ultimately failed.”
“Regulus?” Severus said in shock.
Sirius nodded sadly. “Yes, we had no idea. Did you?”
Severus looked at his younger self. “If Snape had no idea, then neither did I. Where do you think the locket ended up?”
“We aren’t sure,” Sirius said carefully. “It could be in some pureblood’s vault, or hidden away in some mediaeval manor, or it could be in this very house.”
“Have you interrogated the portraits? What about your old house-elf?”
“Of course we’ve done that!” Snape fumed. “We aren’t idiots.”
Severus ignored him entirely. “This house-elf of yours was close to Regulus, was he not?”
This earned another nod from Sirius. “Yes, he was. He was close to everyone except for me. He despises me. Won’t give me even a drop of information.”
“Slip some truth serum in his tea,” Severus said. “I’m sure he will open right up.”
“As if we haven’t already tried that,” Snape grumbled.
“We will get the information we need one way or another,” Albus said calmly. “The same goes for the diadem.”
“The Grey Lady didn’t help you?”
“She did, but the information she provided was limited,” Albus said. “However, we now believe the diadem is in the Room of Hidden Things.”
Severus blinked. “What?”
“Yes, it is a strange location for Voldemort to hide something so important, isn’t it? We’ve been looking for months for the thing with no luck.”
Severus felt himself going cold. How in the hell was Harry in 1998 supposed to have found all these items by himself? While being hunted?
Unable to help it, Severus sent Albus a very dark look. Albus smiled at him, bemused.
Severus cleared his throat and straightened in his chair. Right. Mind back on the present. “At least we are not under a time constraint. It’s already taken us eleven years to get this far.”
“Unfortunately, we are under a bit of a constraint,” Albus said. “We’ve recently had to move Voldemort from Hogwarts to the Department of Mysteries. He was nearly finding a way out of the box, you see. Luckily we stopped it in time.”
“You involved the Ministry?”
“Yes, the Department of Mysteries has far more ways to contain him than Hogwarts,” Albus said.
“People now know he’s alive! You don’t think those Unspeakables aren’t telling people? They are! His remaining followers might come looking for him!”
Albus barely reacted. “Hence the unfortunate time constraint.”
Severus covered his face. “Harry’s just a child. I was hoping we could delay involving him until he was at an appropriate age!”
“And what age would that be?” Albus asked gently.
Severus dropped his hands and glowered at the other men. “Thirty-five.”
Albus and Sirius chortled. Snape’s mouth did a weird little flinch as if he almost smiled then stopped himself.
“I’m not having a laugh!”
“We can’t wait twenty years for Harry to be ready,” Albus said.
“It’s not fair!” Severus said, nearly yelling.
“You must stop coddling the boy,” Snape said.
Severus leaned in to hiss: “And you need to stop being such a prick, but I don’t see that happening any time soon!”
Sirius snorted and Snape shot him a wounded look.
“Gentlemen, calm down,” Albus said, before things could boil over. “We shall aim for Harry to face Voldemort when he is seventeen, but I make no promises that we will keep the dark wizard contained for that long.”
“And what will it look like when Harry faces him?” Severus said. “Will he be forced to fight an apparition?”
“The Department is working on that very question,” Albus answered. “Ideally, we would like to make Voldemort briefly corporal, just long enough for Harry to end him, but it’s tricky. We need to make sure that Voldemort won’t have enough power to rebel once he’s in his body.”
“This is madness!” Severus cried.
Snape rolled his eyes. “You know what else is madness … You turning your back on everything to time-travel seventeen years just to kidnap a baby from his proper family …”
Severus jumped to his feet. “It was a sacrifice, you dumb f*ck! And you have no idea what my sacrifice saved you from! Sirius is alive because of me! And you’re not rotting away in a lonely castle, forced to teach brats day in and day out! I lived through that, not you! I did!”
“YOU WANT TO f*ck THAT BOY!” Snape roared.
Severus slammed his fists to the table. “How dare you? You are speaking about my son.”
“YOU AREN’T HIS FATHER, YOU SICK f*ck!”
Now Albus was on his feet. “Gentlemen, please!”
Sirius tried to reach for Snape, tried to calm him down, but Snape escaped his hands.
“You told me as much, didn’t you?” Snape said to Albus. “You forced him to drink Veritaserum and he said he wanted to f*ck the boy.”
Albus shook his head. “I told you that he admitted to thinking the boy was the love of his life, nothing more.”
“f*cking hell,” Sirius muttered.
Severus felt as if he were going to faint. The world began to spin. “I was confused …”
“You were under a truth serum,” Snape snapped. “That’s the opposite of being confused.”
“I would never hurt him!”
“We know that,” Albus said calmly.
“Do we?” Snape said.
Sirius was staring at Severus in disbelief. “Why would you think Harry was the love of your life? I just don’t get it.”
“I don’t know! I was under the influence of a potion!” Severus said. “And I had just come from a very dark world—a world where Harry was the only thing that stood between me and death—where he was the only damn person who could save Britain! I was confused.”
Snape was shaking his head. “I don’t believe that for a second. You know you weren’t confused. You know your feelings for him are inappropriate.”
“Why are you so sure? Because your feelings are inappropriate?”
Snape paled. His mouth trembled. “I see the way you look at him! The way he looks at you!”
“HE’S A CHILD!”
“He thinks you two are going to spend the rest of your lives together! He thinks he’s going to be your husband one day.” Snape looked at Sirius to back him up. “Didn’t the boy say that?”
Sirius nodded. “Yes, but he meant it in an innocent way, he doesn’t understand—”
“Oh, come off it,” Snape said. “The boy’s damn near a teenager. He isn’t that innocent.”
Tears were flooding Severus’ eyes, and he hated them, hated them. “I’ve never been inappropriate with that boy. Ever. He developed a great dependency on me, but I’ve always pushed him toward letting others into his life. Sirius can attest to this!”
“I can,” Sirius said.
“As for the other Harry, the one forced to grow up too quickly, the one who was at the beginning of adulthood when I last saw him … I admit that I did find him attractive, that I did want him in a hero-worship sort of way, but all of that was before I raised him from a baby into adolescence. My feelings for this Harry are different.”
“I don’t believe that for a second,” Snape repeated.
Severus pinned him with a dark look. He intended his next words to utterly destroy the younger man: “That’s because you never met the other Harry, and this Harry—the one who’s merely twelve—is the only target you have for your f*cked up desire for his parents.”
“YOU LIE!”
“We both know that it aroused you to see them snogging, even though James was your bully, even though he took Lily from you. You were attracted to both of them, wanted both of them, and Harry will always represent that for you.
“You are the sick f*ck; not me.”
Snape tried to launch himself over the table to hurt Severus, but Sirius grabbed him in time. Snape howled, thrashing in his arms, as Sirius dragged him toward the door.
Severus was turning away, his defences lowering, when Snape somehow broke free and charged at him.
Snape shoved up against the wall, both hands around his throat. “IF YOU TOUCH HIM, I SWEAR I WILL KILL YOU!”
“Why?” Severus choked. “Because I would have beaten you to the punch?”
Roaring, Snape slammed his head against the wall, hard. The impact nearly made Severus bite his own tongue in two. Pain ricocheted through his skull.
“Enough,” Albus said. He flicked his wand and Snape was thrown back across the kitchen, landing hard. Another movement of his wand, and a pearly barrier rose up between them.
“Don’t believe him!” Snape howled, still on the floor. Sirius, bless him, was already crouching down to comfort him.
“You heard Albus,” Sirius said gently. “Let it go.”
“I won’t be defamed by him! I refuse!”
Severus left the kitchen. He was wary when he realised Albus was following him.
“We might be able to hold off ending Voldemort for a few more years, but it’s not a guarantee,” Albus said.
“Yes.”
He stopped Severus with a hand on his shoulder. “You must do what you can to prepare the boy. The ask might come at any moment.”
“He’s twelve.”
“And we are dealing with Lord Voldemort. You know the danger of it.”
“Give me until he’s at least fifteen. Please. The other Harry found out about the prophecy at that age, didn’t he? Any earlier, and I fear what might happen.”
“This Harry has a better support system, it sounds like. He’s more nurtured, more grounded. He will be able to handle the news.”
Severus shook his head. “I cannot tell him. Not yet.”
Albus’ face grew grim. “Then you shall be taking an immense risk. And this decision to shelter him might end up hurting him more in the long run.”
“I understand.” Severus went to the front door and paused. He braced himself for Albus to interrogate him about his relationship with the boy, but Albus just nodded sadly.
“I shall be in touch soon,” Albus said.
“Yes. All right.”
Severus took his leave.
He walked around London blindly. It was raining and he was getting soaked, but still he walked on. His thoughts were a whirlwind.
He couldn’t start panicking. He couldn’t let Snape get to him. He had raised Harry to the best of his ability, and the boy loved him for it. He had strived to give him a rounded life, a life that wasn’t just centred on their bond, no matter how much the boy fought him. And Harry was happier for it. He was flourishing.
He’s just a child, he’s just a child, Severus told himself. It didn’t matter if he clung to him too much or if he held his thigh or had jealous outbursts around John. None of it mattered because he was just a child.
And sooner, rather than later, Harry would grow up. He would stop needing Severus, and Severus’ role in his life would shrink. That was what happened between parents and children.
It didn’t matter if Severus had a Pensieve full of memories of the other Harry. It didn’t matter that sometimes his yearning for him felt like a physical ache.
They were two different people, the Harry in his Pensieve and the Harry in his life.
They were different.
They had to be.
*
Sometime during his third year at Hogwarts, Harry stopped calling Severus Dad.
He missed Harry calling him Dad. Now Harry just sounded as if he were play-acting as an adult when he addressed him. The boy only called him by his first name in a very serious tone.
Severus and John broke up around Christmas. John was moving to Spain, and of course, Severus couldn’t follow. The good-bye was tough but not unmanageable. Severus would miss the sex more than anything.
Then, in the summer of 1994, Severus met Marcus Flint for the first time.
“I’m taking over captain duties from him,” Harry explained. “He’ll be coming around the house a lot.”
Severus didn’t really think much about it until he laid eyes on the boy. No, not a boy. A man. Flint looked enormous standing next to Harry.
“Did you just finish school?” Severus asked.
“Yeah,” Flint said coolly.
Severus looked at Harry, then back at Flint. He realised just how close they were standing. A flush was building up in Harry’s face.
Oh my lord, they are dating, Severus thought.
“How old are you again?” he asked.
Flint grinned smugly. “I’m eighteen.”
Severus felt a stab of panic. “So, you are five years older than Harry?”
“He’s only four years older! I’m almost fourteen!”
Only four years older. Severus felt his head spin. He couldn’t believe what he was hearing.
You’re just a child! Severus wanted to snap, but he knew it would only make matters worse.
“You were held back a year, weren’t you?” Severus asked, trying to remember.
“Yeah,” Flint said. Somehow, he sounded as if he were boasting about it.
Oh, it was just getting better and better.
Instead of shouting, Severus walked out of the room.
That night, after Flint had gone home, Severus tried to talk some sense into Harry. They were at the dinner table. Severus had made a lasagna with white sauce, pork mince, and redcurrant jelly.
Harry seemed pensive as he pushed his food around his plate.
“So, Flint,” Severus said.
“Don’t.”
“What? We can’t talk about him?”
Harry was frowning and avoiding his gaze. “You don’t like him, I can tell.”
“He’s too grown for you.”
Harry raised his head to glare at him. “No, he isn’t!”
“He looks like he’s taken out a mortgage at Gringotts and goes home to a wife and kids!”
“That’s what I like about him!”
“You’re thirteen. You don’t understand—”
“Oh, I understand plenty,” Harry said harshly.
Severus fell silent. He hadn’t a clue what to say to that.
“Anyway,” Harry continued, “what does it matter what you think? You paraded that John around for ages even though I made it perfectly clear that I don’t like him.”
Severus gaped at him. “John and I are adults. My relationship with him was none of your business.”
Harry gave him an icy look. “And my relationship with Marcus is none of your business!”
“You are a child, Harry. My child. It is my duty to keep you safe!”
“Stop treating me as if I’m stupid, as if I don’t know anything about the world!”
“You don’t know anything about the world! That Flint—he’s bad news. You are just too young to see it!”
“I fancy him! I fancy men!” Harry nearly shouted the words.
“I know,” Severus said gently. “It’s nothing you need to keep a secret. Nothing you need to be ashamed of.”
Harry squirmed in his chair, fuming. “It’s not about shame! It’s about you understanding what I want!”
“And what do you want, Harry?”
The boy just stared at him, his green eyes impossibly big. He seemed on the verge of some sort of confession.
“Harry—?”
The boy jumped up and charged from the room, leaving Severus to just blink in shock.
What in the world …
At the end of that summer, Severus lost his first pair of underpants. He was very diligent at keeping track of his clothes, and he knew exactly how many pairs of pants he owned.
They were used underpants, too. Taken right out of his unwashed laundry.
He was also missing one of his dirty magazines. Barely Legal was the title. It featured page after page of age difference couples. At least all the vials of memories had been left untouched.
He refused to dwell on any of it. And he refused to go looking for his missing items.
If he let himself think about it, even for a second, he began to hear Snape’ taunting voice in his head: You sick f*ck, you sick f*ck, you sick f*ck …
*
The Triwizard Tournament was again held in Harry’s fourth year, but this time Harry had nothing to do with it. He was also fuming that Quidditch had been cancelled.
Draco says he’s going to get his father to complain to the Board of Governors! Harry wrote. Will you complain, too? Please?
Severus’ reply was short: No.
Harry didn’t write to him for two whole days because of it. When he did respond, he spent several paragraphs describing how he met up with Flint at Hogsmeade, how he planned to do it at every chance he got, how Severus couldn’t stop him even if he chose to write to the Headmaster.
I’ve got that invisibility cloak, and I know of all the secret passages, and I will get to Hogsmeade, no matter what you do.
The boy was lashing out, trying to rile him up, get revenge. He was doing a very Slytherin thing but going about it in a very Gryffindor manner. In truth, it fascinated Severus.
Severus’ owl back didn’t mention Hogsmeade or Flint. He chatted happily about his brewing and the weather and the book he was reading. He asked about Harry’s lessons, and asked how Granger and Draco were getting on. And like always, he ended it with a Love, Severus.
Harry’s response arrived only a few hours later, but it was late at night: I love you so much it hurts.
A flutter of panic went through Severus. He didn’t want the boy saying such things to him. He didn’t want him feeling such a way about him.
In the morning, Severus forced himself to send Harry a calm reply: I miss you, too. Please take care of yourself.
Again, Harry’s owl arrived late at night: Do you sneak that John into the house when I’m not around?
Severus replied right away, hand shaking: You know he moved to Spain. I told you that.
Harry’s quick reply (poor Hedwig): I thought maybe you were lying. You fancied him a lot, didn’t you? I remember how much you liked it when he kissed you.
Again, Severus had to take himself off to bed before he replied. Harry’s words veered toward inappropriate, didn’t they?
Severus’ response was stern: I’m not discussing such matters with you any longer. Please take care, Harry. I hope you enjoy your morning lessons.
I’m going to sneak out again tonight to see Marcus, Harry wrote during lunch. He’s got his motorbike, said we could fly to Aberdeen for a bit of fun. Are you going to stop me?
No, Severus would not.
For whatever the reason, the boy intended to provoke him, yearned for it, and Severus refused to give him the satisfaction.
Severus also refused to do anything that would escalate Harry’s inappropriate behaviour with him. And his behaviour was inappropriate, wasn’t it?
I remember how much you liked it when he kissed you.
Dear God.
*
Harry seemed distant when he returned home for the summer. He was nearly fifteen, and Severus had been contemplating sitting him down to tell him about the prophecy, but so much about his demeanour screamed, Leave me alone. I can’t handle bad news right now.
So, Severus let him keep his distance. They still ate every meal together, but Harry barely spoke.
Then, one night in late June, Severus caught him sneaking out of the house.
“You know,” Severus said, as he watched Harry straddling a windowsill, “you don’t need to sneak about.”
Harry gave a start. “I’m going to see Marcus,” he said, not looking at him.
“I know. And you still don’t need to sneak about. In fact, you can invite him over.”
“But you hate Marcus.”
Severus shrugged, even though the boy still wasn’t looking at him. “Your happiness matters more to me than my personal feelings about your boyfriend.”
“So, you acknowledge he’s my boyfriend?” Harry snapped.
“Of course I do. Didn’t you say as much?”
“No, I didn’t! I just said I fancied him.”
“Okay, so you fancy him, and now he’s your boyfriend. That’s okay.”
Harry let out a frustrated breath. “Why don’t you care about me anymore?”
“What? Of course I care!”
“No, you don’t! If you cared, then you would see what’s right in front of you!”
“And what’s right in front of me, Harry?”
“ME!”
“Yes, and?”
“That’s what I mean! You don’t see me any longer! You don’t care.”
“I see you perfectly. You are a hormonal teenager who has no outlet for all your pent up angst, but you want me to be that outlet, don’t you? You want to take it all out on me.”
“GOD, I HATE YOU!” Harry jumped out of the window and took off.
Stunned, Severus wanted to rush after him, even whip out his wand to stop him, but no, he couldn’t escalate things. He needed to find it in him to trust the boy. And trying to keep him from Flint would only encourage him to do more drastic things to see him.
Severus closed the window and took himself off the bed. He didn’t sleep very well, his thoughts full of images of Harry in a motorbike accident, Harry being taken advantage of by men in a pub, Harry lost on some dark empty road, without his wand, without even his glasses, wandering into the pitch black …
Then Severus felt warm arms around him, holding him so close. He cracked his eyes open, trying to figure out what was happening.
“I’m sorry.” The words were tearful.
“Harry—?”
“I’m sorry,” Harry said again, crying. His breath reeked of beer.
“What’s happened?” Severus asked groggily.
“I don’t hate you, I promise. I’m so sorry for saying it.”
“I know you don’t hate me.”
Harry utterly clung to him, just as he had when he was a small boy. “I just love you so much, Severus. So f*cking much.”
“Please don’t curse.”
Harry groaned and pressed his forehead to Severus’ shoulder. “I wish you understood me. I get so mad sometimes because you don’t. It makes me want to shout and throw things and hurt you, even though I would kill anyone who tried to harm you.”
Severus was now wide awake. “Harry, love, please don’t talk about killing people.”
“Why not? Have you killed someone?”
He squeezed his eyes closed. “Yes.”
“Wow, really? Who?”
Severus shook his head. “I don’t want to talk about it right now.”
“You never want to talk about yourself.”
“No, I don’t.”
“I want to know all about you. I want to know everything. What was your childhood like?”
“Terrible.”
“Why?”
“Because I was poor and unloved and lonely.”
“Who was your first friend? Your best friend?”
“Your mother.”
Harry rolled them over and straddled his hips. He grabbed his hands, intertwining their fingers. “What?”
Severus tried to push him off. “Harry, don’t. This isn’t—”
“This isn’t what?” Harry looked down at him defiantly.
Severus stared up at him.
Harry rocked a little. He watched Severus very closely as he did it. “Tell me exactly what you don’t want this to be. Come on, I want you to say it.”
“Get off me.”
Harry leaned down. He smiled drunkenly. “No.”
Yanking his hands free, Severus shoved him so hard that Harry toppled to the floor. Severus stood up to loom over him. “Get out of my room.”
Harry’s eyes were round in shock. “That hurt!”
“I know it did. Now, get the hell out of my room.”
Harry jumped to his feet. “Why did you never tell me about my mother? Why did you keep it hidden from me?”
“I tried to tell you about both of your parents, but you never wanted to listen.”
“So! You still could have mentioned that you were best mates with her!”
“Harry, get out of my room.”
“No, I want you to tell me what she was like.”
“Not right now. We’ll talk about it later.”
“No! I’m not leaving until you tell me!”
Severus flicked his fingers, which caused Harry to be dragged to the door by some invisible hand.
“No! No!!” Harry yelled.
When the boy was in the hallway, Severus slammed the door shut and locked it. Harry beat his fists against it.
“Let me in, let me in!” he cried.
“No, you’re acting like a brat,” Severus said through the barrier.
“I HATE YOU!”
Severus ignored him and went back to bed.
*
The next morning, Harry was very sheepish. Severus had been awake for hours by the time he came downstairs.
“I’m sorry,” Harry said, trying for a smile. “I was drunk.”
“I know.”
“Will you tell me about my mum now?”
“Yes. What do you want to know?”
“Did you meet her at Hogwarts?”
“No, we grew up in the same city. co*keworth. She was my very first friend.”
“What was she like?”
Severus smiled. “Very kind, very feisty. She was also very beautiful.”
“Beautiful …?”
“Yes.”
“Do I look like her?”
“No, you look like your father.”
“Oh,” Harry said, disappointed.
“Sirius never showed you photographs of them?”
“He tried but I didn’t really pay attention.”
“Why not?”
Harry laughed a little. “Because I didn’t want to betray you.”
“I have no idea how I gave you that impression.”
Harry shrugged. Then, changing the subject, he asked, “Will you still let me see Marcus? After my behaviour last night?”
“Yes, but only if he comes around here.”
Harry nodded. “Is there anything I can help you with today? Anything I can do to say sorry?”
Severus pretended to think about it. “Ooh, actually, yes. The hedges have a massive need for a trim!”
Harry suppressed a glower. “Sounds good. I’ll get started after breakfast.”
*
After that, things got better. Sort of. Flint began to come around nearly daily, which was both a good thing and a bad thing. Severus was relieved that he knew Harry was safe, but he also didn’t like that Flint was in his home.
To make matters worse, it seemed as if they couldn’t keep their hands off each other. Severus seemed to always be interrupting them snogging or rutting or whatever.
Several times throughout the day, Severus would walk into a room and encounter Harry and Flint jumping apart, a hot flush flooding Harry’s face, a smug smirk plastered on Flint’s ugly mouth.
Sometimes, he even caught them in the act, with Harry flat on his back, his legs hooked around Flint’s waist, as the much bigger man thrust against him. They always had their clothes on, thank God, but it was still very alarming to stumble upon.
It didn’t help that Flint was a massive, fully grown man, and Harry was all awkward, teenage limbs.
Severus was at a loss for what to do. He even turned to Sirius for advice.
After Sirius was done laughing his head off (the bastard), he said, “Harry’s obviously telling you he needs more space. Go for a long walk, or pop over to the supermarket, or, hell, even come over here. Let the boy have the house to himself for a bit.”
“But I don’t want to leave them alone together!”
“Harry’s going to find a way to be alone with him. He has been alone with him. Loads of times.”
Severus sighed. “You’re right.”
So, that was what he did. He made it a habit to disappear for hours on in, giving Harry and his boyfriend quality time together. He did go on long walks, and spent loads of time at the supermarket, and even sequestered himself in his Potions laboratory in the hot garden shed.
Still, he encountered Harry and Flint in compromising positions. It got to the point that Severus began to think it was intentional. Harry wanted him to see them together.
Disaster struck when, two weeks before the start of the term, Severus walked into his kitchen and found Harry giving Flint head.
Flint spotted him first, and all the young man did was wink at him. Harry was on his knees, his head working up and down, and Severus heard him moan. The sound was muffled, wet. Because there was a co*ck in his mouth.
One moment, Severus was calmly taking in the scene before him, the next he was yelling. Screeching, really.
“WHAT IN THE BLOODY HELL DO YOU THINK YOU’RE DOING?”
Harry gasped and jumped to his feet. His mouth was swollen. His trousers were unbuttoned. “Severus.”
“What are you doing?” Severus asked again, his voice now deadly quiet. He took a menacing step forward.
“We thought—I thought—”
“Yes?”
“I thought we had more time!”
“Why are you having sex in my kitchen? You have a bedroom, do you not?”
“I don’t know,” Harry said quickly.
“We just wanted to have a bit of fun,” Flint said, not sounding the least bit remorseful. His co*ck was thankfully now out of sight.
“Get out,” Severus said coldly.
“Don’t talk to my boyfriend like that!”
“I’m speaking to both of you.” Severus pointed a trembling finger at the door. “GET OUT!”
Harry blinked at him in shock. “What do you mean? Like out of the kitchen, or—”
“Out of my house,” Severus growled.
Harry was still blinking. “What?”
“Go stay with Sirius for the next two weeks. I don’t want to see either of you.”
Harry stumbled forward. “You don’t really mean that, do you?”
“I do, Harry.”
“But—but—you said you would never give me up!” His voice was full of anguish.
Severus sighed. “I’m not giving you up. I just can’t take this anymore. Go over to Sirius’ and shag in his kitchen. I’m done.”
Tears streamed down Harry’s face. Utter betrayal darkened his eyes. “I thought you loved me.”
“I do love you, but right now, you are being an utter sh*t.” Severus left the kitchen to Floo Sirius. He planned to demand that he come get his infuriating godson!
*
Harry didn’t speak to him until November. Severus still wrote to him every couple of days, letting Harry know he was thinking of him. He still made sure to sign every letter with Love, Severus.
Severus checked in with Sirius, too.
“I didn’t see that Flint boy a single time when Harry was here,” Sirius said.
Severus shook his head. Of course. “He’s not a boy. He’s a grown man.”
“Still, I didn’t see him.”
“Do you think Harry sneaked out to meet up with him?”
“I doubt it … There are Wards on the house, you see. I would have known if he had tried to leave.”
“Did you notice any change in him?”
“None at all. He was his usual cheerful self. He spent most of his time lounging about with us in the parlour. He even had Ghost and Shadow out for company.”
“The toys?”
“Yeah.”
Severus felt sick to his stomach. It was proof that he was a bad influence over Harry.
Severus didn’t know what to do. He felt frozen in place. Then, to make matters worse, he had the prophecy to contend with.
Albus wrote to him often to remind him of his duty. Time grows short. You must tell the boy soon.
Give me until the summer, please, Severus replied. We cannot disrupt his studies.
Your delay is vexing, Albus responded.
Still, Severus trudged on. He began to practise how he would tell Harry. Please sit down, he imagined himself saying. It is time I tell you the truth.
The boy’s recent behaviour was troubling, to say the least. Severus didn’t know if he would be able to handle the responsibility of ending the Dark Lord, even if the task was now far easier.
When Harry began to respond to his owls, it was difficult for Severus to keep the worry from his words, to not even hint at what lay before him.
Harry pretended as if nothing had happened over the summer. He chatted about the brilliant Quidditch season, about studying for his OWLS, about how Draco and Granger were finally dating. He never mentioned Flint, and Severus didn’t ask.
When the Christmas holidays arrived, Severus was somewhat surprised when Harry asked him to pick him up from the train station. He had expected he’d want Flint to do it.
Still, Severus nearly cried in relief when Harry greeted him with a big hug on the platform.
“Hello, Severus,” Harry said, beaming.
“Hello, Harry,” he responded, poking fun.
They stopped in at a Muggle pub for hamburgers and chips. Severus inspected Harry as they waited for their food, and he nearly blushed at the changes he saw in his appearance.
“You’ve grown so much,” he said in amazement. “It’s only been a few months.”
Harry straightened in his chair. He looked rather pleased. “Good. I’m glad you’ve noticed.”
“Of course I’ve noticed. You’re my kid.”
Harry rolled his eyes.
When their food arrived, Harry seemed to eat his with extra care, and he stole glances at Severus between every bite. It was almost as if he were shy around him.
“Are you okay?” Severus asked, licking away a bit of salt from his mouth. “Is there anything you need to tell me?”
Harry sighed, his expression going almost dreamy. “I’ve got about a million things I’d like to say to you.”
“What the hell does that mean? If there’s something the matter, you must tell me.”
“There’s nothing the matter, Severus. I promise.”
They returned to Polperro, and a week passed without incident. Harry was on such good behaviour that Severus grew suspicious … intrigued.
One night, as they sat by the fire reading, Severus mustered the courage to ask about Flint.
“Oh, we broke up,” Harry said, utterly casual.
Severus blinked. “You never said anything.”
Harry laughed. “I thought you didn’t care.”
“What happened? Why did you break up?”
“He cheated on me.”
More blinking. “I’m sorry,” Severus said, his voice strangely rough. “That must have been very painful for you.”
Harry shrugged. “I doubted he even fancied the bloke. He was trying to get back at me, that’s all. But his little scheme blew up in his stupid face when I dumped him.”
“Why was he trying to get back at you?”
Harry turned a bit shy once again. With his eyes cast down, he looked at Severus through his lashes. “I never let him properly f*ck me, you see.”
f*ck me. f*ck me. f*ck me. The boy’s words ricocheted about his head.
“Oh.” A dry gulp. “Why not?”
“Because I’m saving myself for someone important. Someone who means far more to me than Marcus ever will. Or at least I hope I am.”
“There’s another boy in your life?”
Harry sighed.
They both grew silent, lost in thought. They were both frowning.
“Don’t let anyone make you feel as if you must sleep with them,” Severus said. “They don’t really care for you if they can’t accept your boundaries.”
Harry shrugged, his gaze on his book. “I don’t blame Marcus for his frustrations, I really don’t. In fact, I understand them completely. Someone’s boundaries can be a difficult thing to accept when you want them so badly.”
And you want someone more than Flint? Severus almost asked, but he was terrified of the boy’s answer.
“It sounds like Flint fancies you a great deal.”
Harry laughed hollowly. “Oh, he does. He really does.”
“Will you get back with him?”
A shrug. “Probably? I dunno. I have needs, you see. Desperate needs. And they build up. They can feel so unmanageable at times. And right now … well, he’s the only one who makes me feel even remotely satisfied.”
“Are you just talking about normal teenage horniness? Or is there something wrong? Because I can take you to see a healer at St Mungo’s …”
Harry groaned in dismay. “I’m trying to tell you something very important, and once again, you are refusing to listen.”
“I don’t want to listen!”
Harry slammed his book shut. He stood but didn’t rush off. For several moments, he just stared down at Severus.
Severus refused to look up.
“One day, we will both be forced to be honest with one another. One day, all of this will come to a head.”
Severus gulped thickly. He didn’t say anything.
Harry went up to his room.
After the holidays, Severus noticed another pair of his underpants had gone missing. So had a few vials of the p*rnographic memories.
Hopefully the boy wouldn’t be able to get his hands on a Pensieve, but Severus severely doubted it. He was living in a magical school, after all.
*
The winter of 1995 was a difficult time, to say the least. Severus felt as if he were going a bit mad.
You’ve gone soft, old man, Severus found himself thinking. Before he had time-travelled, he had spent years as a double-agent, with the threat of torture and death always looming over his head.
And now, he was cracking up because he would have to tell Harry about the prophecy. He was cracking up because Harry would have to step into a room in the Department of Mysteries and end the Dark Lord with a single spell.
He was cracking up because he was terrified that Harry would hate him when he found out the truth.
Weeks, then months, slipped by in a blur. It rained a lot as winter turned into spring.
At least Harry sounded happy, judging by his letters from school. Slytherin was set to win the Quidditch season, his studying for his OWLS was going well, and he seemed to be having loads of fun with his mates.
Good, very good.
In May, Severus finally ran out of time. On a random Wednesday afternoon, an urgent owl arrived from Albus: The final Horcrux was located and destroyed. However, this has caused an emergency. Please come to Hogwarts as soon as possible.
Fear shot through Severus. Was Harry in danger? Did something happen to him?
Severus dropped everything and Apparated to Scotland.
Hagrid met him at the school entrance. He blinked stupidly. “You really do look like Severus Snape!”
“Yes. We’re related.”
Hagrid escorted him across the grounds toward the castle. “The Headmaster is waiting for you in his office.”
“And what of Harry? Is he all right?”
“Oh, sure. I think.”
“You think?”
Hagrid shrugged. “I’m just here to fetch you.”
Inside the castle, Hagrid marched him all the way up to the door of Albus’ office. The poor man barely fit inside the stairwell.
“Thank you,” Severus said stiffly.
Hagrid gave him a cheerful wave and left.
Inside, Albus jumped up when he saw Severus. “Good, you’re here.”
“What’s happened?”
“We’ve barely avoided catastrophe but just barely. All the Horcruxes are destroyed, as I said in my letter. Have you spoken to Sirius? He was finally able to get his house-elf to hand over a locket that once belonged to Salazar Slytherin.”
“And the diadem?”
“After much work, we located it in the Room of Hidden Things. It’s now destroyed, rest assured.”
“So, what’s the catastrophe? Is there something wrong with Harry? Is he hurt?”
“No, the boy’s fine, I believe.”
Severus sagged in relief. “Thank God.”
“The problem is Voldemort seems to sense the loss of all his Horcruxes. He has mustered his power in his prison. We eliminated the threat of the locket just on Sunday. In the last few days, he has managed to possess two Unspeakables. We were able to save them, but it took a great deal of resources.”
“What? How was he able to possess them?”
“We aren’t sure, but we can’t delay any longer. He must be ended. Tomorrow.”
“Tomorrow?!”
“Yes, Severus!”
“But … but I haven’t told Harry yet. I haven’t … The boy’s taking his bloody OWLS right now!”
“He completed his final examination this morning.”
Severus stared at him.
Albus looked a bit angry. “You are the one who chose to avoid this conversation with Harry for so long. If this turn of events has put you in an unfortunate position, you are the only one to blame.”
Severus took a deep breath. Then another. “Okay, I understand. May I take the boy home for the night? I would like to break the news to him there.”
“Yes, of course. I’ve already sent word to him to begin packing. You should go down to the courtyard. He might already be waiting for you.”
Nodding, Severus asked quietly, “What about tomorrow? What will the boy see when he encounters the Dark Lord?”
“He will see Voldemort in his bodily form. Most likely shackled to a chair. Voldemort will try to plead and/or bargain with the boy. You must tell him not to listen.”
“Okay,” Severus said numbly.
Down in the courtyard, Severus found Harry milling about with his mates. Granger stared at him with much interest.
“Is this him?” she asked Harry quietly.
Harry nodded. “Yeah, that’s him.”
For a moment, Severus and Harry just looked at one another. Severus was too choked up to greet him. Then Harry yanked him into a tight hug. Right in front of his mates.
“You’re trembling,” Harry murmured.
“It’s time.”
“To finally tell me the truth about everything?”
“Yes,” Severus said.
Harry reached down to give his hand a reassuring squeeze. “Okay, let’s go home. We shall talk there.”
*
At home, Severus let Harry get settled in. He tried to make them some tea but his hands were shaking too much.
“Here, I’ll do it,” Harry said, taking the kettle from him.
When their tea was poured and a few Digestives were laid out before them, Harry said, “What you have to say must be really bad for you to be cracking up like this.”
Severus couldn’t meet his gaze. “I’ve spent your entire life trying to come up with a way to tell you the truth.”
“Did you kill my parents?”
Severus’ gaze snapped to his face. “What? No! Well … Sort of. God, it’s all so f*cked up.”
Harry nodded calmly. “You obviously have a lot of guilt about something really important. And you’ve carried it for as long as I can remember.”
“It’s not obvious!”
Harry co*cked an eyebrow.
“Oh, God, don’t look at me like that!”
“Like what?”
Severus shook his head. He felt as if he were floating away. “Harry … I don’t know how to tell you this without it sounding barmy … but … but I’m a time-traveller.”
The boy just stared at him. Outside the kitchen window, a group of birds were having themselves a rowdy conversation.
“Of all the things I thought you’d say …”
“I know it’s barmy. I know. But it’s the truth.”
“So … where did you come from? What time?”
“May I just get it out in the way I want? Then you may ask me your questions?”
Harry nodded. He was rather pale.
Trembling even more, Severus said, “I did it all to save you. That’s what you must understand. I did it all for you.”
Harry blinked. “You killed my parents for me?”
“NO! Well … f*ck. No more questions! Not yet!” A deep inhale. “I travelled from the year 1998. It was winter, I remember. I was Headmaster of Hogwarts and you were on the run for your life from the Dark Lord. We were in the middle of a war. A terrible war.”
“Why was I on the run?”
Severus gasped a breath. “There was a prophecy. There is a prophecy. It states that you are the only person who can defeat the Dark Lord.”
“The man who tried to kill me as a baby? The man I share a wand core with? He Who Must Not Be Named?”
“Yes.”
“And in your timeline … he was trying to kill me because of it?”
“Yes.”
“But … everyone says he’s gone … that I ended him when I was a baby.”
“You only ended him partially. He’s still alive. That’s where Sirius and Snape were for eight years. They were tracking him down in Albania.”
“So Sirius and Snape knew about all this too?”
“Yes.”
“How?”
Severus gulped, then gulped again. He twisted his hands in his lap. “Let me just start from the beginning, okay? I … I grew up with your mother in co*keworth. Like I said, we were best friends, and I … I loved her. I was in love with her.”
Harry flinched. Hard. “You’re attracted to women?”
“Sometimes, but that doesn’t matter right now. What matters is that I was obsessed with her. I wanted her. But she was a ‘Mudblood’ and I was a Death Eater.”
“You were a Death Eater?”
“Yes.”
“You were a follower of Voldemort? No way.”
“It’s true, Harry. I—I wanted prestige and respect and power. I wanted to be known. Feared. Desired. I thought … I thought becoming a Death Eater would give me all that.”
Instead of shouting at him, Harry nodded. “Okay. Go on.”
“Did you ever notice the faint tattoo on my arm? That’s the Dark Lord’s mark on my skin.”
“The one with the skull and serpent? I always thought it was cool, even though you rarely let anyone see it.”
“It’s a mark of shame for me now. But back to my story. I wanted your mother, I thought I could find a way to have her, but then she stopped being my friend and started dating your father.”
“Did you like my father?”
“No, he was my bully.”
“Oh. That’s awful.” Harry now looked so crestfallen. “Didn’t you say I looked like him?”
“You do look like him.”
“I look like the man who bullied you?”
“Yes.”
Tears flooded Harry’s eyes. “Oh,” he said again.
Severus grabbed his hand and gave it a reassuring squeeze. “I don’t think of your father when I look at you, I promise. Not anymore. I only think of you.”
A sniffle. “Good.”
Severus released him and sat back. “Right before your birth, I overheard the prophecy and told the Dark Lord its contents. When I discovered the prophecy put a target on your mother’s back, I panicked and fled to Albus. I agreed to work as a double-agent if it meant saving your mother.”
“But it didn’t save my mum.”
“No, it didn’t, and I spent the next seventeen years of my life repenting, hating myself, wishing I could change places with her.”
“You didn’t raise me in your timeline?”
Severus laughed shakily. “God, no! You were raised by your mother’s sister. She mistreated you. Forced you to live in a cupboard.”
“A cupboard?”
“Yes.”
“So … you met me when I came to Hogwarts? When I was a student and you were Headmaster?”
“No, I was your Potions teacher, and I hated you.”
Understanding sparked in Harry’s eyes. “What was I like? My other self?”
“You were a Gryffindor.”
“What?”
“Yes, it’s true. You were a Gryffindor and your mates were Ronald Weasley and Hermione Granger. You hated Draco.”
“No way!”
“It’s true.”
“I must have been an utter prat.”
“You were a prat sometimes, but mostly, you were heroic. You were forced into a lot of dangerous situations, even as a child, but you found a way to succeed every time.”
“I bet Hermione helped me a lot along the way.”
“She did.” Severus took a deep breath. “I hated you for so long … until I didn’t.”
“Did you kill Dumbledore?”
Severus blinked, a bit caught off guard that Harry sensed enough of the truth to ask the question. “Yes, I did. He ordered me to do it. So I could gain even more of the Dark Lord’s trust. So I could assist you in defeating him.”
“But it didn’t work out? I failed?”
“No, you didn’t fail, at least not yet. You were forced to track down these things called Horcruxes, but it was a difficult job and I was very limited in how I could help you. You were struggling so much, Harry. You were in so much pain. Your life had been disrupted so much. And I got it into my head that it didn’t need to be like that. I convinced myself I could save you. I could save everyone.”
“It sounded as if you cared a great deal about me.”
“I did … in my own way.”
“So, you figured out a way to time-travel from 1998 to … 1981? What did you do to get Sirius and Snape and Dumbledore to believe you?”
“When I landed in 1981, I went directly to your aunt’s to save you. I was determined to raise you myself.”
“Why?”
Severus shook his head. “I suppose I was obsessed with you, just like I was obsessed with your mother. No one could have you except for me.”
Instead of looking uncomfortable, Harry looked pleased. Very, very pleased.
There was a moment of silence as they both processed what Severus had just said.
“I submitted to an interrogation under truth serum,” Severus continued. “I also saved your godfather from Azkaban.”
“You did that?”
A nod. “I convinced Albus of his innocence. If I hadn’t done that, Sirius might still be locked up.”
Now Harry looked angry. “I can’t believe Snape chooses to be so rude to you. You literally saved the man he loves!”
“You do understand now that Snape and I are the same person? My name is Severus Snape, not Severus Prince. Snape is merely a younger version of me.”
Harry blinked. “That’s so weird.”
“It is.”
“He literally hates himself. Barmy.”
“Anyway,” Severus said hastily, wanting to get to the conclusion of his story, “Sirius and Snape were able to track down the Dark Lord and these Horcruxes because of the information I provided. It’s what they’ve been doing for the past fourteen years.”
“That’s why they are so secretive about what they do for a living!”
“Precisely.” Severus took a deep breath. “You should also know that you were a Horcrux. An accidental one. When I arrived in 1981, one of the first things I did was remove it from your scar.”
“Are you sure you got it all?”
“Yes.”
Harry shook his head in disbelief. “This poor bloke! My other self had to go through so much!”
“You’re not completely spared of all his tribulations. I don’t know how to break this to you, but tomorrow, you will need to defeat the Dark Lord. Once and for all.”
Harry looked stunned. “What? Tomorrow?”
“Yes. He’s being held in the Department of Mysteries under strict surveillance but he’s growing too powerful, too dangerous. And a crisis has developed. We need to act immediately.”
“But .. but … he might kill me!”
“The chances of that are very low, but we can never underestimate the Dark Lord.”
“What am I supposed to do? Just walk into his prison cell and cast the Killing Curse on him?”
“Yes.”
“I don’t even know the Killing Curse!”
“You know it. Everyone knows it. You will just have to mean it when you say the words. And you will mean it, Harry. The man is a monster. He’s the reason why your parents are dead. Why thousands of people are dead. He needs to be destroyed.”
Harry stood and walked over to the counter. His shoulders were hunched. “You chose not to save my parents when you travelled back in time. Why?”
Severus stood, too. Tears were suddenly pouring down his face. “I didn’t want to jeopardise my plan. Winning the war … saving you … it all meant more to me than their lives. I’m so sorry, Harry. For robbing you of a life with them.”
When Harry didn’t say anything, Severus went to him, gathering him up in his arms.
“Please forgive me, please, please,” Severus whispered.
“There’s nothing to forgive,” Harry whispered back, trembling. He clung to Severus, pressing and pressing, as if he meant for them to become one.
“I did it to save you, to protect you. I couldn’t take the chance of saving your parents as well, I couldn’t, I couldn’t—”
“They might have ruined your whole plan, I get it.”
“The war was so dark, Harry. You have no idea. So many people were dying. It felt as if there was absolutely no hope. I feared the worst for you. I made a selfish decision, I know I did, but you deserved happiness. A proper childhood. You didn’t deserve to be a sacrifice.”
Severus felt soft lips against his temple, then his cheek, then the corner of his mouth. He kissed Harry back in the same places, not even thinking about it, just returning the affection.
“You saved me.”
“I did.”
Then, trembling even more, tears now wetting his face, Harry whispered, “I love you so much, Severus,” and he kissed him on the mouth.
Severus returned the kiss, still not thinking about it. He was too distracted by the guilt clawing at him to understand what was happening.
He held Harry close, his arms wrapped around him, and they kissed and kissed. They were both crying. They were both shuddering.
“I’ve loved you since the beginning,” Severus whispered, still trying to get Harry to understand why he’d made such a selfish choice.
Harry moaned, the sound coming from somewhere so deep and needy, and he thrust his hips against him.
That was when Severus felt it: His erection. And it wasn’t just the start of one, not just a mere accidental side effect of their proximity. No, no, the boy was fully hard, achingly so, and it felt as if he could already be on the cusp of an org*sm.
Severus yanked away. The boy blindly followed, grabbing for him, but Severus stumbled back and back until nearly the entire room was between them.
“Severus,” Harry gasped.
“No,” he said stupidly.
“I love you in all the ways.”
“Shut up!”
Harry staggered forward, reaching for him again, but Severus evaded his touch. “I’ve loved you my entire life. I’ve wanted you since before I even knew what those feelings meant. And tomorrow, I might die. You know it to be true. This might be my last night on earth, and I want to spend it in your arms. I want you to make love to me.”
“STOP TALKING LIKE THAT!”
“No, I won’t!”
“I AM YOUR FATHER!”
Harry shook his head. “No, you are the love of my life. And I want you to have my virginity.”
Severus tried to make a run for it, but the boy was much faster than he was. Harry caught him at the door, his hands like claws on his arms.
“Don’t do this,” Harry gasped.
“Let go, let go!”
“Let yourself have me. Who cares what other people think? Who cares what Snape thinks? Let yourself be happy!”
“No, I refuse, I’m not touching you, I refuse, I refuse.”
Harry shook him. “You said you loved me!”
“Not like that!”
“You are a liar! Do you think I haven’t seen your memories of the other me? Stored right alongside your p*rn. Initially, I just thought they were a weird fantasy you had created about us, about you being my teacher, about me hating you so much that I wanted to kill you, but now I know those memories are real. And your desire for me is real.”
“I don’t care. I refuse to ruin you!”
“You can’t ruin me!”
“I’ve already done it! I knew how I felt about you, how I wanted you, and still I decided to raise you. I did this to you.”
“We were meant to be together! Can’t you see that?”
“I only see a child who’s too young to understand that he’s been poisoned.”
Harry released him and took a step back. Angry tears poured down his face. “If I can’t get it from you, then I’ll get it from someone else.”
“Anyone but me!”
Harry gave him a look of pure enraged disappointment. “If I die tomorrow, you will regret rejecting me. You’ll wish you’d experienced what it was like to make love to me before I was gone.”
Severus covered his face, utterly exasperated, utterly heartbroken. “I hate that I turned you into a Slytherin,” he said into his hands.
Harry walked out.
Less than thirty minutes later, Marcus Flint was standing on his doorstep. He reeked of booze and marijuana. He was only twenty but he looked at least twenty-five. Thirty, even.
“I’m here to pick up Harry,” Flint said.
Severus took in his glinting dark eyes, his jagged teeth, his snarling mouth.
Harry sure did have a thing for ugly men.
“I’m right here,” Harry said, emerging from the foyer. He was freshly showered and wearing tight Muggle clothes. His cologne smelled like sex. He brushed against Severus as he stepped outside.
“I’ll tell your godfather,” Severus said, nonsensical.
Harry laughed. “Tell him.” Then, over his shoulder, he said casually, “Don’t wait up.”
Harry and Flint jumped onto his motorbike and took off with a roar.
Severus went back into the house and slammed the door shut.
*
The next day, Severus and Harry were expected at the Ministry at eight a.m., but Harry never returned home.
Severus, damn near cracking up from the worry, sent owl after owl to him, but received no response.
At seven-thirty, Severus, not knowing what else to do, got dressed and took a Floo to the Ministry atrium.
He ran into Sirius and Snape in the lift.
“Where’s Harry?” Sirius asked with a frown.
“I don’t know.”
Sirius gaped in horror at him. They both did.
“He ran off with that awful Flint last night. Hasn’t been back since.”
“Why didn’t you stop him?” Sirius asked, aghast.
“I couldn’t stop him. He wanted to do it.”
Now their expressions were stormy.
“Why didn’t you tell us, you stupid f*ck?” Snape growled.
Severus shook his head. “It wouldn’t have done any good for us to chase after him. He was in a right state. I finally told him about everything.”
Sirius pinched the bridge of his nose, utterly overwhelmed.
Down in the Department of Mysteries, they found Harry waiting by the door that presumably contained the Dark Lord. He was very drunk, almost unable to stand up. He wasn’t alone. Hermione Granger, Draco Malfoy, Neville Longbottom, and Gregory Goyle encircled him like bodyguards.
The boy sure had a strange mix of mates.
“Harry!” Sirius said in relief, moving quickly to him.
Granger pointed her wand at him. “Don’t.”
This made all the adults blink in surprise. Why was a teenager pointing her wand at them?
“What the hell happened?” asked Snape. “How did you lot even get in here?”
“Wouldn’t you like to know,” Draco said with a smirk.
Again, the adults just blinked at them.
Granger turned back to Harry, who groaned and whispered something like, I think I’m going to sick up.
Severus’ knees almost gave out. He looked for a chair to sit in but there were none. He had been working toward this moment for fourteen years, he had travelled back in time for this moment, and Harry had shown up to it inebriated.
“Here, drink this,” Granger said soothingly.
“What are you giving him?” Sirius snapped.
“Just a Pepperup Potion,” she snapped back. “It will sober him up.”
Harry drank the potion, then clutched his head. “f*ck. f*ck.”
She rubbed his back. “Are you feeling better?”
“Yeah, thanks.” He straightened and looked right at Severus. Ignoring everyone else, he went right to him. His beautiful green eyes filled with tears. “I’m here. Like you said I needed to be.”
Severus took him into his arms, not caring that they were surrounded by people. “I was so worried about you.”
Harry clung back. “I’m fine, as you can see.”
“Did Flint give you what you wanted?”
Harry smiled sadly at him. “Yes, but it wasn’t enough. It will never be enough.”
Severus didn’t know what to say. He didn’t even know why he’d been dumb enough to ask in the first place.
The entrance opened again, revealing Albus. Severus released Harry with reluctance.
Albus went to Harry. “Are you ready, my boy? Did Severus prepare you for what you will encounter?”
“Yes, for the most part, sir,” Harry said, shaking. “Voldemort will have a body?”
Albus nodded, his clear blue eyes determined. “This morning, the Unspeakables cast a spell on him that temporarily returned him to his body. The spell will only last a few hours, so you must act now. And whatever you do, you must not listen to what he says to you, what he shall try to promise to you. It will all be nothing but empty lies.”
“And you want me to use the Killing Curse?”
“Yes—if you are comfortable. It’s the most efficient way to end him.”
Harry gave each person in the room a big hug. He even hugged Snape, who looked a bit taken back. “Just in case I don’t return,” he murmured to everyone.
Severus was his last stop. Harry threw himself into his arms, clinging. He smelled of alcohol and sweat and fear.
Severus felt a few tears roll down his cheeks as he carded his fingers through the boy’s lovely hair. “You’re going to return,” he whispered.
Harry laughed tearfully. “Promise?” He took up Severus’ hand, holding it. “Will you walk me to the door?”
“Of course.”
They crossed the room to the heavy metal entrance to Voldemort’s prison cell. Severus felt how terribly the boy shook.
Harry wrapped his arms around him again. “I love you, I love you,” he whispered in his ear.
“I know. I love you, too.”
Harry tried to kiss him on the mouth, but Severus gave him his cheek. Harry pressed his mouth to his cheek, lingering, crying a little. “If I die, please know that I will be waiting for you on the other side.”
“Christ, Harry,” Severus said, cracking up. “Don’t talk like that.”
They remained in an embrace for a minute or so, taking comfort in each other’s arms. Then Harry released him and straightened up. He took his wand out of his pocket, holding it in front of him.
“You got this,” Severus said. “I believe in you.”
Harry wiped the tears from his face. A determined look hardened his eyes, his mouth. “I can do this,” he muttered to himself. “I can kill the bastard.”
“Yes, you can.”
Harry opened the door and stepped inside. An Unspeakable quickly closed the door behind him.
Severus stumbled back, his hand wrapped around his own throat. The horror of the situation was almost too much. Just behind that wall, his Harry, his boy, was facing the Dark Lord.
Sirius went to him. “It’s okay,” he said gently. “He’s going to—”
The door swung open, startling everyone, and Harry stepped out. The same Unspeakable closed the door again.
“What happened?” Severus said, stumbling to him.
“It’s done,” Harry said, sounding quite numb. “I killed him.”
“What? So quickly? But it took you a mere thirty seconds—”
“The bloke looked like a snake. With red eyes. He tried to speak to me but I didn’t let him. I just pointed my wand at him and said the curse. Now he’s dead.”
Severus was flabbergasted. So was everyone else in the room. Albus even grabbed Harry by the sleeve and began to cast detection spells on him, looking for traces of Dark Magic.
“What are you doing?” Harry asked, trying to twist away.
“Apologies, but we must be certain, Harry.” After a few minutes, Albus released him. “He’s pure. Not a trace of darkness on him. Voldemort didn’t manage to trick us.”
“That’s a relief.” Harry marched over to his friends. “We are all going back to Hogwarts now. I want to make sure I’m there when Slytherin is handed the House Cup.”
Granger and Longbottom groaned, but only half-heartedly. They both had tears of relief in their eyes.
“I’ll see you at home, Severus!” Harry said as he left with the other teenagers.
“Again, how in the hell did they make it all the way down here?” Snape growled.
Severus ignored him as he slumped down on the floor. His knees had given out. After decades of fighting, of sacrificing, it was done. The Dark Lord had been vanquished.
Albus smiled down at him. “We did it!”
Severus laughed then began to cry. He fell back, utterly exhausted. Finally.
*
A week later, Harry returned to Polperro. Severus expected to only feel relief, to finally be happy now that there were no more lies between them, but it was not the case. There was tension between them, and it felt as if it created a deep void.
The first night Harry was home, Severus was reading in the garden, the air still warm from the day’s heat. It was dark, the only light coming from his floating wand. He heard a sound and looked up, finding Harry standing right in front of him.
Harry wasn’t wearing a shirt and his sleeping shorts were baggy, damn near slipping off. Severus let himself briefly ogle the black trail of delicate hair on Harry’s stomach before turning his face away.
“You said you loved me,” Harry said.
“What are you doing?”
Harry crawled into his lap. He smelled of soap and warm, warm skin. He tried to kiss Severus. “It’s all over now. Let yourself have me.”
Severus grabbed him by the shoulders, not being gentle. “Don’t.”
Harry’s eyes were dark as he stared at him. “I'm a murderer now. Just like you. Doesn’t that make me grown enough?”
Severus shoved him off his lap, causing Harry to land inelegantly in the grass. “Enough! Don’t try that again!”
“You are being ridiculous,” Harry hissed.
“And you’re not respecting my boundaries!”
Harry jumped to his feet. “YOU ARE BEING A COWARD!”
Severus almost made a noise of pleasure. It did things to him to hear Harry yell that word at him. But Harry had seen his memories. He knew exactly what he was doing. He was trying to provoke Severus. He was trying to arouse him.
Severus retrieved his fallen book and set it aside. Then he calmly got to his feet. “If you try to kiss me again, I shall send you to live with Sirius. And I mean it. This is your final warning.”
“Coward,” Harry hissed, trying to get into his face. “You travelled back in time all those years, made all those sacrifices, and for what? To still deny yourself the happiness you want? Why don’t you have the balls to finally take what you deserve? To take me?”
“I’m not discussing this with you right now.” Severus stepped around him and headed inside the house. He went up to his bedroom, not looking back even once.
*
The next day, Severus took himself to the library, where he stayed for hours and hours. He wanted to give Harry as much space as possible. Perhaps his absence would give Harry the opportunity to cool down.
Severus found himself fantasising about Harry apologising to him. I’m sorry for coming onto you … for making you uncomfortable. I don’t know what I was thinking. It was very inappropriate. Oh, what a relief it would be to hear those words from the boy!
But a reprieve wasn’t meant to be.
When he returned home, the first thing he heard were the moans. He squeezed his eyes closed. f*cking Flint was in his house. Shagging.
Severus put away his newly borrowed books and headed for his bedroom. His steps halted on the stairs when he realised where the moans were coming from.
No, no … surely not …
Not thinking, Severus dashed to his room and threw open the door. On his bed were Harry and Flint—f*cking. Flint had Harry on his hands and knees, head down, arse up, and he was utterly railing him. They both faced the door.
His magazines were also on the bed, and on his table was the Pensieve and a few open vials. Harry and Flint had rifled through his p*rnography collection together.
Severus was too stunned to comprehend what he was seeing. For several seconds—for an eternity—both Harry and Flint didn’t notice his presence. Flint was too busy watching his own prick as he thrust and thrust. And Harry had his face pressed to the bed, the duvet muffling his choked gasps.
Then Harry lifted his head and spotted Severus in the doorway. He didn’t cry out in shock. He didn’t lurch forward to get away from Flint, utterly mortified. No, he stared into Severus’ eyes as he was pounded from behind.
“Severus,” Harry moaned, loudly, desperately. He sounded as if he wanted Severus to join them, as if it were in the realm of possibility.
Severus lost himself to the rage. Truly. He blacked out and when he came to, he was chucking Flint out of his house, starkers.
“But—what about my clothes—!”
Severus roared and slammed the door shut in his face. He locked it with the strongest spell he knew.
Harry was in the foyer with him, grabbing for him, but Severus drew his wand on him.
“Get away from me,” Severus hissed, his wand point digging into Harry’s throat.
Harry’s eyes went so wide. “I’m sorry,” he breathed.
“That isn’t good enough!”
“What are you going to do?”
“Exactly what I said I would do. I’m Floo-calling Sirius and telling him to come get you. I want you out of my house.”
“For how long?”
“Forever, you ungrateful little sh*t.”
Harry utterly collapsed, clinging to him. Severus tried to yank away, but Harry held on, his arms now wrapped around his knees.
“Please tell me you don’t mean it! You can’t mean it! I love you.”
“LET GO OF ME!” Severus roared.
“NO, I WON’T! NEVER!”
I’ll kill myself if he doesn’t let me go, Severus thought.
Harry didn’t understand that Severus was the problem, that he would always be the problem, and Harry was doomed if he remained in his life.
“Please, please don’t send me away,” Harry sobbed, still clinging to his knees. “I can’t live without you!”
“GET AWAY FROM ME!” Severus roared, shoving him back, hard. Once again, Harry hit the ground awkwardly. “I’ve ruined you! I’VE f*ckED YOU UP!”
Harry jumped to his feet. He was naked, but it didn’t matter. Severus was too out of his mind to register it.
“That’s what you think because you hate yourself, but you shouldn’t, God, you shouldn’t!”
“Of course I hate myself! I’ve made you sick!”
“No, you didn’t!” Harry tried to reach for him again, but Severus shoved him back again.
“I swear I will use my wand on you if you try to touch me again. I swear it.”
Harry backed away, his hands raised. “I’m sorry, okay? I was trying to—to—make you see me. To want me. I just wanted to hurt you because you hurt me.”
“I know that! But you went too far and now I want you out of my house.”
Suddenly, Harry was enraged, too. “I saw your memories of me! When you were my teacher! I’m almost sixteen! The same age I was when you killed Dumbledore! And you spent years wanking to me at that age! Years! Why is it so different now?”
“THAT WAS NEVER ANY OF YOUR BUSINESS!”
“You didn’t lock up your memories—your p*rno sh*t! You wanted me to find them!”
“I wanted to trust you.”
“Well, you f*cked up, and now I know your deep dark secret. Now I know that you wanted me when I was just a teenager.”
“THAT WAS JUST FANTASY! NOTHING BUT FANTASY!”
“Okay, sure, I get that, but it doesn’t need to be a fantasy anymore. Severus, you can have me.”
“I’d rather die!”
Hurt flooded Harry’s expression. “You don’t mean that.”
Severus stared coldly at him. “Yes, I do. Now get out of my way. I need to speak to your godfather and you need to start packing your sh*t.”
*
Severus didn’t see Harry for two years. It was some of the hardest years of his life.
He barely even corresponded with Harry via the owlpost. It wasn’t easy. In fact, it was heartbreaking. His world no longer had any colour in it.
He told himself it was better this way. And it was. The boy needed to detox from him. He needed to set his mind straight. His feelings for Severus were damaging.
Severus removing himself from Harry’s life meant the boy could be saved once again. He still had a chance to turn out normal.
The lonely months wore on, and somehow, they turned into one year, then two years. Severus did his best to crack on. He did his best to rebuild his life. He attempted to date but it was a failure. John even came around a few times, visiting from Spain, but Severus didn’t have the heart to go to bed with him.
The truth was Severus was in love with Harry, this Harry, but he couldn’t bring himself to act on it. He could barely even bring himself to face the reality of his feelings.
Through the grapevine, Severus kept tabs on Harry. Harry now spoke of becoming an Auror, and he was still dating Flint. He was doing well in his lessons, like always. When he wasn’t in school, he and his mates spent a lot of time at Grimmauld Place. They were also doing their fair share of partying. Sirius didn’t mind this, but it put Snape in a very bad mood.
When Harry and Severus did exchange correspondence, the letters were very short. Things like, Happy Christmas. I hope you are doing well. Love, Severus or Happy Birthday, Severus. I will be thinking of you. - H
Then, as if out of nowhere, Harry finished his final year at Hogwarts. We’re doing a small thing at Grimmauld Place to celebrate, Harry wrote to him. I really hope to see you there.
Severus considered not going, but he knew in his heart that he couldn’t stay away. His boy had finished school. He couldn’t miss the chance to celebrate that with him.
On a rainy Saturday night, Severus set off for London. He wore a nice pair of trousers and an emerald long-sleeve shirt. He had his hair pulled back in a somewhat neat bun.
When he stepped into Grimmauld Place, the first thing he heard was Harry’s bright laughter. It sounded different. Deeper. More mature. It made a shiver run through him.
Severus slipped into the parlour. He was greeted by a room full of people who loved Harry. A silence seemed to come over the place.
Then Severus set eyes on Harry for the first time in two years. His breath caught. Harry was gorgeous now. Stunning.
When their eyes locked, something hot and needy flashed across Harry’s expression, but it disappeared when Flint wrapped a protective arm around him.
Severus approached the couple. “Hello,” he said with a smile.
“You came,” Harry said softly, still staring into his eyes.
“Yes.”
Harry gulped. “It’s been a long time.”
“Yes, it has.”
“There’s something you should know.” Harry raised his hand, showing off a gold band on his finger. “Marcus and I are engaged.”
Severus laughed. “Don’t be ridiculous. You’re too young for such nonsense.”
Harry raised his chin. He looked at Severus coldly. “I’m of age now, or did you miss that particular detail? You did skip out on my birthday last year.”
“You’re barely an adult. Getting married now would be a big mistake.”
Sneering, Flint tightened his arm around Harry. “Nothing you can say will stop us.”
“Well. Then. Congratulations.” Severus made sure the word dripped with sarcasm.
Flint’s sneer deepened and Harry blinked back tears.
Severus turned away from them, his head spinning. It had been a mistake to come here, an utter mistake …
He went to the booze trolley and made himself a drink. Sirius approached him.
“You came,” Sirius said with a smile.
“Unfortunately.” Severus lowered his voice. “Did you bloody know they are engaged?”
“Yes.”
“And you let them!”
Sirius shrugged. “What could I do to stop them? Harry’s an adult now. He can get married if he wants.”
“It’s a mistake!”
“Of course it is, but Harry will need to discover that for himself. Nothing we say or do will convince him of it.”
Damn near growling, Severus knocked back a splash of whisky, then another. “I should go.”
“No, don’t! Not yet. It means the world to Harry for you to be here. I know it.”
“He’s not acting like it.”
“It’s because he doesn’t want you to know how much he’s missed you. Can’t you see that?”
Severus didn’t respond. He turned his attention back to the trolley.
For the next hour or so, Severus became a shadow. He hovered in corners, not talking to anyone. He watched and listened and drank. A few steps away, Draco was drunkenly feeding Granger little bites of cake. They both sported rings on their fingers, too.
Damn these stupid children and their stupid romantic ideals, Severus thought.
He tried not to look at Harry too much. He didn’t want to see Flint’s arm wrapped around him. He also felt the boy’s gaze on him a lot and he wanted to avoid making eye contact with him again.
In his attempt to ignore Harry, he found himself watching Snape, observing him. Usually, Snape only had eyes for Sirius, but the man was rather drunk and his dark gaze kept straying over to Harry. Lingering. Almost checking him out.
Who’s the sick f*ck now? Severus thought with glee. He knew his younger self hadn’t been immune to Harry’s charms. How could he have been? They were the same person.
Needing to piss, Severus wandered upstairs in search of a bathroom. He found one and relieved himself, then ventured back out into the hallway. His gaze was drawn to an open bedroom door. Something told him it was Harry’s bedroom.
Severus stepped inside the bedroom and looked around. Quidditch posters plastered the walls. Socks littered the floor. On the windowsill were Ghost and Shadow, basking in the rainy moonlight.
On the bedside table was a photograph of Severus and Harry, smiling and waving at the camera. It had been taken just before Harry had started Hogwarts. He had been so small standing next to Severus.
“Are you snooping?” said a voice.
Severus gave a start and turned around. Harry stood in the doorway.
“What?”
Harry stepped into the room and shut the door. “I asked if you were snooping. Looking for something.”
“No, I just wanted to see your room. You have a photograph of us next to your bed.”
Harry smiled grimly. “I have a lot of photographs of you. Check the drawer. I like looking at them when I’m—Well. I won’t say. I don’t want to upset you.”
“You can’t marry Flint.”
“Why not?”
“Because you are too young. You don’t want to ruin your life, do you?”
“How can I ruin my life? In a few days, I’ll be over on the continent, training to be a proper Auror. Why would marriage ruin that for me?”
“Do you even love him?”
“Does it matter?”
Severus gritted his teeth.
“You told me you would never give me up,” Harry said after a moment. “I should have known you were a liar.”
Shaking his head, Severus tried to go to the door, but Harry grabbed him, hard. There was violence in the touch.
Snarling, Severus twisted away, but instead of heading for his escape, he grabbed Harry by the throat and pinned him to the wall.
Harry’s eyes went wide behind his glasses. Still, he gritted out, “You are nothing but a coward!”
Severus got in his face. “And you are nothing but a stupid child.”
“You want me, I know you do!”
Severus snarled again, utterly losing the plot. “I’m not attracted to little boys, Harry. I’m attracted to men who know how to f*ck me.”
“I could be that for you,” Harry said desperately. “I could be anything you want me to be.”
Severus released him and tried to turn away, but Harry buried his hands in his shirt, yanking him closer.
Severus raised his fist, ready to hit the boy if he tried to kiss him, but Harry just clung to him.
“I’ll marry him,” Harry said, panting against his neck. “I’ll f*cking do it.”
“Be with anyone you want! Just leave me out of it!”
“I’ll marry him, I swear I will. I’ll let him f*ck me, over and over. I’ll let him use me, cheat on me, hurt me. And I won’t care. Because the entire time I will only be thinking of you—wishing it were you. I’ll spend the rest of my life aching for you.”
Harry did try to kiss him then, his hot mouth brushing close to Severus’s own lips, but Severus shoved him away so hard that his head slammed back against the wall.
Crying out in pain, Harry slumped to the floor, his hands clutching his skull. Severus, utterly blind with panic, stepped on him to get to the door.
Once in the corridor, Severus headed for the stairs, but then he heard worried voices coming closer.
“Harry? Are you all right?” It was a deep, ugly voice. It was Flint.
“I thought I heard a scream,” said Sirius. “Harry? Severus? Is everything all right up there?”
Severus turned to Disapparate, but then he saw Harry standing in the doorway of the bedroom, blood trailing down his neck, tears spilling down his face.
“I love you, Severus,” he whispered, words ragged with desperate emotion. “I will always love you.”
Severus turned again and disappeared. When he landed in his cottage, he threw up an army of Wards. No one, not even Albus, would be able to get through the barriers to see him.
Then he took himself upstairs, where he stripped naked and threw himself onto his bed. He buried his face in a pillow and screamed until he was hoarse.
*
Another two years went by before Severus saw Harry again. Harry’s training took him to different places across Europe. He seemed to be learning a great deal; he seemed to be thriving.
They wrote brief owls to one another. They carefully avoided touchy subjects.
Their separation was still difficult for Severus. He was a bit ashamed, a bit bewildered, about their confrontation at Grimmauld Place. He thought about it a lot. He wished he could have reacted differently … but it was impossible to react calmly when one was panicking so thoroughly.
Severus was still brewing, still taking long walks to pass the time. He contemplated getting a dog just for the company. Sirius, taking pity on him, dropped by often.
Maybe I should join a bookclub, Severus found himself thinking. Or maybe even open my own Potions shop. Anything to give his life some purpose.
But it was difficult to be social, to have ambition, when he was this heartbroken. And he was heartbroken. He just missed Harry so much. He would probably spend the rest of his life missing him.
One day, Harry began sending Severus Muggle photographs of himself. It was obvious they were taken by a cheap disposable camera.
Most of the photos were innocent enough. Some were of Harry lounging in bed, his glasses off, his pyjama shirt barely buttoned. On the back of one he wrote, I’m lying here and thinking of you.
Other photos were of Harry doing tourist stuff like standing in front of a waterfall or in front of a famous monument. Wish you were here with me, Harry wrote.
A few photographs were not so innocent. Severus’ favourite was of Harry standing in front of a bathroom mirror, his hair still dripping wet, a towel barely clinging to his trim waist. There was a tattoo above Harry’s left nipple, but Severus couldn’t make out what it said. He thought he recognised the letter L and the letter S.
Just had myself a wank in the shower, Harry had written. Guess who I thought of as I did it?
To this, Severus had scratched out a quick reply: Aren’t you engaged??
No, Harry said in his return owl. I broke up with Marcus a few months ago. I ended it for good.
Oh. Oh.
Severus wanked a lot to the photographs. Even to the innocent ones. He loved staring at Harry’s happy face. He was just so beautiful when he was happy.
Part of him hoped Harry would send him more risque photographs. Magical ones. Nudes. He wanted to see what it looked like when Harry touched himself while thinking of him.
He almost wrote to him and asked for them. He almost put down in writing, I want you. Can’t stop thinking about you. I need to see you. But instead of reaching for a quill, he began to cry.
He cried a lot. For days. For weeks. He was getting all the guilt out. All the self-hate. Or at least that was what it felt like.
Sirius came around during one of his crying sessions. He took Severus into his arms and held him on the settee.
Of course, it was mortifying to be comforted by his former bully.
“I'm a terrible person,” Severus sobbed, barely able to catch his breath.
“He loves you,” Sirius said gently. “And you love him.”
“He only loves me because I ruined him, because I—I—”
“No,” Sirius said firmly. “Do you think he was ever truly happy when he was living with me? When he was with Flint? He wasn’t. Because you weren’t there.”
“It’s because he was too dependent on me!”
“And now? After you haven’t seen each other in years? Does he feel any differently about you?”
“No, it doesn’t seem like it.”
“Right. So stop your snivelling and let the boy finally have you. For f*ck’s sake.”
Severus yanked away and glared at him. Snivellus. “Why are you suddenly encouraging this?”
“It’s not sudden. Harry has been confiding in me since you made him bleed in my house.”
“That was an accident!”
“Do you really think I’d find him like that and not demand some answers from him?”
“So he told you everything?”
“I think so. Most of it, anyway. And I learned that you’re his whole world. He could become Minister of Magic and you’d still be his whole world.”
“I shouldn’t be his whole world! It’s wrong, I’m telling you!”
“Or maybe, just maybe, you both are lucky enough to experience a love so deep that it transcends everything else. Hell, it might even transcend time.”
Severus just blinked at him, more than a little stunned.
“Harry’s training is up in a few weeks. Did he tell you?”
“No.”
Sirius sighed. “Tell him you want to see him. Be honest with him.”
Severus nodded, still trying to wrap his head around everything.
“Also .. be sure to wear a clean pair of pants when you two finally reunite. Harry’s got expectations, you know? And if I learned anything from our time at Hogwarts, you don’t always prioritise such things.”
“f*cking hell, GET OUT OF MY HOUSE!”
Laughing, Sirius wiped the tears from Severus’ face with a handkerchief, being so gentle about it. Then he stood and headed for the Floo. “Take care, Severus.”
*
A week later, taking Sirius’ advice, Severus wrote Harry a short note:
Harry,
I’ve missed you so much. I can’t wait to see you. When your training concludes, will you stop by the house? Only if you have the time, of course.
Love, Severus
Harry’s reply arrived only a few hours later: I’m leaving now. Be there around dinnertime. - H
Severus nearly fell over when he read the reply. Harry was going to be here today? In merely a few hours?
Dear God, he had so much to do! He had to clean the house, and make dinner for Harry (his favourite dinner), and Severus had to groom himself, and—and—
f*ck, was Severus really going prepare himself for sex with Harry? Was he?
Severus chucked the note onto the table and dashed upstairs to his bathroom.
A few hours later, Severus was taking out the bubbling shepherd’s pie from the oven when he heard the knock on the door. He nearly dropped the entire dish to the floor.
That must be Harry, he thought, his heart jumping.
His hands trembled as he set the pie on the counter, right next to the cooled treacle tart. He took off the oven gloves and tucked a few stray strands of hair behind his ears. He was bathed and groomed, with his hair pulled up in a bun and his throat and wrists smelling of cypress and grapefruit.
Okay, he could do this.
Severus went to answer the door. On the other side stood Harry. He was wearing scarlet Auror robes. He was broad now. And tall. He was now at least a few inches taller than Severus.
“Hello,” Harry said softly.
Severus managed to glance up, just briefly, into heated emerald eyes. Severus was so overcome that he had to look away.
“Um. May I come in?”
“Of course,” Severus said, stepping aside hastily. “Please.”
Harry sneaked past him into the foyer.
They went into the lounge.
“Nothing has changed,” Harry said, looking around.
“No, it hasn’t.”
“Do you still sit by the fire and read?”
Severus nodded. He was unable to look at the young man. It hurt to look at him. Harry was just so damn beautiful.
“It smells like you cooked.”
“I did … I didn’t know if you would be hungry … I made your favourites.”
“You remember what I like to eat?” Harry said softly.
“Of course.”
Harry took a step closer. “I didn’t really come here for a meal.”
Severus nodded, looking at the floor. “I understand.”
“You said you wanted to see me.”
Another nod. “I did want to see you.”
Another step closer. “You said you missed me.”
“Of course I missed you, Harry.”
“Have you enjoyed all the photos I’ve been sending you?”
Severus flushed. He nodded again. “Yes.”
Harry moved again, and now he stood so close that their chests almost brushed. “Why can’t you look at me?”
Severus shook his head, so overcome.
Harry touched his chin, urging him to look up. Severus finally raised his eyes. The tears came then, spilling down his cheeks.
“Please don’t cry,” Harry murmured.
“Harry.” Severus threw his arms around him and kissed him.
Harry gasped against his mouth, a shudder going through him. Then he was kissing Severus back hungrily, desperately, his hands fisting the back of his shirt.
“Oh, Harry, Harry,” Severus moaned, sounding as if he were in agony. He kissed the corner of his mouth, then his cheek, then his forehead. He even eased off his glasses so he could kiss both of his eyelids.
Harry, gasping again, bucked against him. He was already so aroused that Severus felt it through his thick Auror robes.
“Please take me to bed, please, please,” Harry whispered, shaking with need.
Severus grabbed his hand and drew him upstairs. He meant to go to his own room, but then his feet stopped in front of Harry’s.
“In here?” Severus asked shyly.
Harry bit his lip and nodded.
Severus opened the door to his childhood bedroom. Nothing had changed, though the furniture was a bit dusty.
“If I’d had time, I would have cleaned in here, too,” Severus said, but he barely got the words out before Harry was pushing him back onto his bed.
Harry captured his lips in a searing kiss, one knee planted between his thighs, his hands buried in Severus’ hair.
Harry kissed him and kissed him. “What do you want?” he asked breathlessly. “I’ll give you anything, absolutely anything.”
With his eyes lowered, Severus smoothed his hands over Harry’s broad chest. He paused to draw his finger over the gold badge pinned to his robes. “I want to get on my knees for you.”
“f*ck.”
“Would you like that, Harry?”
“You have no idea.”
Nodding, still unable to look at him, Severus slid off the bed and positioned himself between his open thighs. One of his knees made a board in the floor shift strangely, as if it might not be able to hold his weight.
“What is this?” Severus asked.
Harry sucked in a breath. “Inspect it if you want.”
Confused, Severus shifted over so he could pull the board up. Beneath it was a small place to hide things.
Severus pulled out his own underpants. The stolen ones. There were also other things in there—things he hadn’t even realised Harry had taken. Such as one missing cufflink … pens and quills Severus had chewed on in thought … even a well-used tube of lip balm.
Severus finally raised his eyes. “Why?”
Harry was flushing, the colour crawling up his tanned throat. “I wanted you. That’s why.”
“What did you do with them? Not the pants, the other items.”
“Hold them. Taste them. When I was at Hogwarts, I sometimes carried them around with me in my pocket.”
Smirking a little, Severus held up one of his underpants. It was utterly covered in old spunk. “You used these to come, didn’t you? Over and over.”
A gulp. “Yeah.”
“How?”
“Merlin, don’t make me answer that.”
“They were used when you nicked them. Why?”
Harry covered his face with a hand. “I wanted to smell them. As I wanked. I love the way you smell. All of you. Sometimes, when you weren’t home, I’d just crawl into your bed so I could wrap myself up in your scent. It was very comforting. And arousing.”
“Did you touch yourself when you were in my bed? Make yourself come?”
“Yeah.”
“You utter fiend.”
Harry laughed shakily. “I was a horny teenager. What can I say?”
Severus captured the hand Harry had used to cover his face. He kissed each fingertip, then licked each digit gently. “I’m so much older than you, my love. I still don’t understand what you see in me.”
Mouth open, Harry stared at his hand, watching Severus lick him. “You’re so f*cking hot. You obviously have no idea.”
Severus took his thumb into his mouth, whirling his tongue, sucking. Harry let out a stuttered groan. “What makes me so hot?”
“The way your legs look in your trousers, the way your arse looks when you bend over. Your hands are rough but elegant. You have the prettiest eyes I’ve ever seen. The way they glitter. How dark they are.”
“How superficial! What else?”
“Your power. Your kindness. Your intelligence.”
“And?”
“You’ve always been so f*cking gentle with me. It always made me go to pieces.”
Severus snorted. “Except when I shoved you so hard you hit your head and bled. Except when I wrapped my hand around your throat, wanting to choke you.”
Harry’s eyes fluttered. “Merlin, that was so hot.”
“You found my violence attractive?”
“I spent years trying to break down your defences. You kept your cool around me for so long. I thought maybe if I pushed you hard enough you’d just snap and—and—take me.”
“No, never. I respected you too much to do that. I loved you too much.”
“I understand that now.”
Severus bared his teeth a little. “That Flint. You let him shag you on my bed. What did you hope to accomplish with that stunt?”
“I wanted to get you to finally see me as a sexual being … I think. I wanted to hurt you. Get a rise out of you. But, mostly, I just wanted my boyfriend to f*ck me where you probably wanked. I was so into it.”
Severus clicked his tongue chidingly. “You naughty boy. Did Flint know about your feelings for me?”
“I’m sure he did. It was pretty obvious, wasn’t it?”
“And he didn’t care?”
“He fancied me too much to care.”
“He might still be a better choice for you, my love. He’s a lot closer to you in age, at least.”
Harry sucked in a breath. “Please, don’t say things like that. I’ve been aching for you for so long. Please finally make love to me.”
Severus kissed his fingertips again, then raised up to capture his soft lips. “Why are you wearing your Auror robes?”
“Robards wanted me to report to him as soon as I made it back into the country. I wanted to be presentable for him. And—and I wanted to impress you.”
“I’m impressed.”
Harry smiled shyly. “Yeah?”
“Yeah.” Severus pressed a kiss to the corner of his mouth. “You look so beautiful in them. So powerful. So strong. It makes me so hard.”
“God, I’m so f*cking relieved to hear you say so. We haven’t seen each other in so long, and I was so desperate to come home to you. I lost my head a bit when I got your owl saying you missed me and wanted me to drop by. I sort of broke the rules and left early.”
Severus frowned. “I hope you won’t get into trouble. Not for me.”
Harry framed his face and kissed him. “I’d burn down this entire world for you.”
“f*ck.”
They kissed and kissed, trembling, both a bit overwhelmed by the moment.
Before Severus could lose courage, he whispered, “Do you want me to suck your co*ck now?”
Harry whimpered. With his eyes squeezed closed, he nodded.
Severus carefully undid all the gold buttons on Harry’s robes. Then he undid his belt. His fingers were clumsy, he was shaking so much.
“Here, I’ll help you …”
Together, they got Harry’s belt off, then his trousers unclasped and pulled down. Severus carefully removed his boots, then his socks. He couldn’t help but remember when Harry had been young, so young, and had needed help from Severus to get dressed. It made his heart ache to remember such things, to reconcile his memory of that little boy and the man laid out before him now. He desperately wanted to protect both versions of the person he loved.
Harry was wearing tight underpants, white and crisp. The outline of his erection could clearly be seen. The head of his co*ck was already creating a little damp spot. Severus stared for several moments. So much saliva had filled his mouth that it threatened to drip down his chin.
“Do you like what you see?” Harry asked, self-conscious, squirming.
Instead of answering in words, Severus leaned down and opened his mouth against his underpants. His lips and tongue located his shaft through the fabric.
Harry’s hands jumped to his hair. “Oh, Merlin.”
Moaning, Severus sucked and licked him, getting everything so wet. He moaned again when he felt the co*ck twitch.
“Oh, Severus,” Harry whispered.
Wanting to savour the experience, Severus eased his underpants down just until the head of his co*ck was revealed. And what a tip it was. Pink and engorged and dripping.
Severus shoved his undershirt up, his hand splayed over the hard expanse of his stomach, as he licked just the tip, over and over.
Harry tasted incredible.
“More,” the young man whispered.
Nodding, Severus eased his pants down further, revealing his flushed shaft. He dragged his lips up and down the side of it, teasing him more than anything.
“God. More. Please.”
Taking pity on him, Severus hooked his thumbs under the waistline of his pants and drew them all the way off.
Then Severus sat back on his heels, just wanting to take in the view before him.
“Remove your shirt, the rest of your robes,” Severus said.
Harry eagerly complied. Severus was so overcome by seeing him nude that he nearly missed the tattoo on his chest.
“What does it say?”
Harry leaned forward. “Read it for yourself.”
Above his left nipple were the words, Love, Severus. It looked exactly like Severus’ handwriting, like the ending to all his letters to Harry. The tattoo was a good size and difficult to miss.
Severus caressed his fingers over it. “When?”
“I got it during my first year of Auror training. Ah, Marcus wasn’t pleased about it, obviously.”
Severus raised his eyes. “Why did you do it?”
Harry smoothed his hand over the ink, as if to remind himself. “I needed a piece of you to always be with me. Especially when we were living so far apart.”
Feeling more than a little savage, Severus growled, “Sit back, spread your thighs. I want to see you.”
Harry’s gaze sparked as he followed the orders. His body was long and sturdy now, his thighs thick with muscle, his chest broad. He was more tan than Severus had ever seen him.
“Touch yourself,” Severus ordered.
Biting his lip, Harry wrapped a hand around his own co*ck. “Like this?” he asked shyly.
“Stroke yourself. Show me what it’s like when you wank and think of me.”
Harry began to stroke himself quickly. He cupped his own balls, pulling them. He closed his eyes, breathing roughly. “Severus,” he whimpered, so quietly. Then, even quieter: “Dad.”
“You nasty boy,” Severus growled.
Harry’s hand only sped up. He was very rough with himself. Words began to spill from his lips: “Oh, Dad, oh, f*ck. I could be so good for you. Look at me being so good for you.”
Severus reached between his thighs, caressing, until he found his molten arsehole. He rubbed. “Tell me exactly how you’re going to be good for me. For your daddy.”
“Oh, f*ck,” Harry cried, going so stiff, his eyes snapping open. “I’m going to come, oh, oh—”
Severus took his co*ck into his mouth, sucking him all the way down. He bobbed his head, quickly, his fingers still rubbing his arsehole.
“SEVERUS!” Harry screamed, his hips coming up off the bed. A second later, he was org*sming, his co*ck emptying itself.
Moaning, Severus swallowed it all down, relishing the taste, delighting in it.
Harry thrust and thrust, crying, “I love you, I love you.”
Severus sucked on his bollocks as Harry still writhed with the aftershocks. When Harry finally relaxed, he released him with a wet pop and sat back.
Harry could barely focus his eyes. His face was red and sweaty, and his head was lulling a bit.
“Do you want me to f*ck you now?” Severus asked hotly.
Harry nodded almost sleepily. “Next time, I’ll bugger you, I promise. I remember what you said to me. I took it to heart. I’m not going to expect you to always be on top.”
“What did I say to you?”
“I want men who know how to f*ck me.”
Severus shivered. “It’s true. I do like getting f*cked.”
Harry seemed to force himself to wake up. “I could be on top this time,” he said, sitting up. “If that’s what you want. I could do anything, and I mean it. I just want to please you.”
Smiling, Severus kissed him again, their mouths lingering together. “No, I want to bugger you. Do you think witnessing Flint pound you didn’t affect me?”
Harry whimpered again as he began yanking at Severus’ button and zip. “Do it, then. I want it now. I want to see you. Finally. I want to taste you. Smell you. f*ck, come on. Get all this off.”
Severus laughed. He just watched Harry struggle for a moment, utterly enjoying the view.
Severus unbuttoned his shirt and pulled it off. Then he deftly undid his trousers and eased them down along with his underpants. He was very hard, and his co*ck almost poked Harry in the face when it was revealed.
Harry sucked in a ragged breath. His eyes were wide as he took him in. “f*ck, this is a big co*ck. I had my suspicions, of course.”
Severus stroked himself a little, gathering up all his wet with his thumb, using it to ease the way. “Do you like big pricks, Harry?” he asked quietly.
“f*ck, yeah, I do.”
“Flint was big, wasn’t he? I think I remember seeing it.”
Harry licked his lips hungrily. “Not as big as you.”
Severus buried a hand in his hair, yanking his head back a little. He dragged his wet tip over Harry’s lips, then hit him a few times in the cheek with it, forcing him to feel the weight and thickness of him.
All of it made Harry moan deeply. His tongue sneaked out to lick up any traces of precome.
“What other massive pricks have f*cked you? Tell me.”
Harry’s lashes fluttered. “A few. More than a few. After Marcus and I broke up, I—I went looking for men who resembled you.”
“Ugly men?”
“Sexy men. If they had dark hair and dark eyes and—uh— a sizable nose, then I was interested. As it turns out, men with those characteristics are usually hung like a horse.”
Severus bared his teeth and yanked his hair again. “So, you were a slag.”
Harry nodded desperately.
“You were a slag who gave your arse up to every ugly bloke who looked like me.”
“They weren’t ugly!”
“Did they satisfy you, hmm? Did they ruin your slu*tty little hole just the way you needed?”
“Oh my god.”
“Answer me, damn you.”
“No! Of course not! I wanted you. Only you. I’d shut my eyes and let them have their way with me, and I’d think about you the entire time, imagining they were you.”
Severus bared his teeth again. He didn’t like thinking about Harry f*cking all those men.
“You’re mine, damn you. Now open your mouth. Yes, like that. Suck me.”
Harry looked up at him as he wrapped his beautiful lips around his co*ck. He sucked, slowly f*cking him with his mouth, and his eyes never left his face.
Severus traced his cheek with a thumb, then his jawline, then the corner of his mouth. He tightened his hold in his hair and snapped his hips forward.
Harry moaned and took him deeper.
Severus began to use his mouth gently, so gently. They stared into each other’s eyes as he did it.
Then Severus grabbed Harry’s hand and forced it to his bollocks. “Massage me. Yank them. Yeah, like that. f*ck, I want your mouth on them. Go on. Have yourself a taste.”
Harry released his co*ck with a wet gasp. Then he licked down to his bollocks. He sucked on each ball, still doing his best to keep eye contact. He also did his best to fit the entire sac in his mouth.
“Yes,” Severus hissed, wanking himself. His thighs were quivering. Then he let himself say the dirtiest words: “You’re such a good boy, Harry, for sucking on Daddy’s balls.”
Harry shuddered so hard it was almost a convulsion. His hand jumped to his own co*ck. He got in a few desperate strokes before Severus grabbed his wrist, twisting it.
“No, don’t touch yourself,” Severus growled. “I want you to come when I’m inside you.”
Harry released him to say roughly, “You better do it soon. I’m already so f*cking close again.”
Severus urged Harry back onto the bed and wrestled out of the rest of his clothes. He crawled between his open thighs and kissed him, his hands framing his face.
The bed was entirely too small for them, but it didn’t matter. They would make it work.
Severus kissed him and kissed him, unable to get enough of his taste. He could kiss Harry for the rest of his life and it wouldn’t be enough.
Then his fingers found his arsehole again, rubbing slowly, just enjoying the sensation.
Harry widened his thighs more, thrusting up. “Please, now. f*ck. Please.”
So, Severus took pity on him and muttered a lube spell. He slicked up his co*ck as he looked down at Harry. “Is it all right if I penetrate you without fingering you first? I want to experience it that way.”
Harry’s eyes sparked with understanding. He nodded. “Yeah, make me hurt. Like it’s my first time.”
Severus felt himself flush, but he didn’t let his confidence waver. It was difficult to be seen so thoroughly.
Severus grabbed Harry’s hip and took himself in hand. He utterly shook as he positioned himself at Harry’s entrance.
“Are you sure?” he whispered.
Harry bit his lip again and nodded. He seemed to be trying to remain quiet.
Severus stared into his eyes as he pressed inside for the very first time. Harry’s mouth fell open.
He pressed and pressed, until he was balls-deep. He let out a pant, still trying to keep the eye-contact, but his vision had blurred. The pleasure was just too good.
Harry clutched his shoulders. “f*ck.”
“Does it hurt?” he grunted.
“Oh, yeah.”
“Good, that’s so f*cking good,” Severus said, on the verge of starting to babble. He rocked his hips a little. “God, you’re so f*cking tight.”
Harry squeezed around him naughtily. “Do you feel how my arse was made for you, Daddy?”
Severus grabbed his throat. “Don’t, damn you. You’re going to make me come.”
Harry nodded desperately, his eyes falling shut. Severus tightened his grip around his throat.
“You’re at my mercy, aren’t you?” Severus cooed. The clutch of Harry’s arse was making him lose the utter plot.
Another desperate nod. “I’ve always been at your mercy.”
Severus pulled out a little, then worked back in. He pressed a kiss to Harry’s open mouth. “You feel so f*cking good, my love. I belong inside you, don’t I?”
“Yes!”
Severus wrapped both of his hands around his throat. “Is this all right?”
“Yes!”
Severus pulled nearly all the way out. Then he slammed back inside. He used his hold on Harry’s throat as leverage.
Harry shouted.
“Yes, like that, my darling. Take me. Take Daddy.”
Hot tears spilled down Harry’s face. “I love you.”
Severus grabbed his hands and pinned them above his head. He intertwined their fingers. He began to pound him, over and over. He pressed their mouths together, not really kissing him but sharing the same air.
“I love you, I love you,” Harry cried.
“I spent my entire life waiting for you,” Severus murmured, still pounding him, the sheet burning his knees. “I was willing to die for you.”
“You saved me!”
“I just wanted you to be happy. And safe. I wanted to protect you from every single bad thing in this horrible world.”
Harry was sobbing. “Dad, Dad—”
“I wanted to protect you even from me. Because I’m bad, Harry. I’m so f*cking bad. And I wanted you so much. I wanted you so much but I didn’t deserve you. Not after taking the Mark. Not after what I did to your mother. I’ve never deserved you.”
“I think I’d rather die than live without you.”
Severus began to cry, too. He cried so hard. He thrust long and deep, then paused to hold Harry, cradling him. They kissed, both of them tasting of tears.
“You make me so happy,” Harry cried into his mouth.
Severus reached down to stroke his lovely co*ck. “Show me, then. Show me how happy I make you and come for me.”
Harry threw his head back and tightened up all over. His eyes rolled back, his mouth falling open again.
He was so tight around his co*ck that all Severus could do rock into him, over and over. He wanked him quickly, roughly, just as he’d seen Harry do to himself.
“Come for me, my sweet boy,” Severus ordered gently. “Come for your daddy.”
Harry seemed to lose the ability to breathe. A scream bubbled up in his throat.
Severus snapped his hips forward. “Come for me.”
Finally, Harry did, and the sem*n utterly exploded from his co*ck. It went everywhere, even hitting the wall. Harry screamed then, loudly, and he writhed so hard that all Severus could do was hang on for the ride.
When Harry finally calmed down, Severus grabbed both of his hips and hammered into him. He was growling, snarling even, as he utterly used his arse.
He realised Harry was asleep beneath him, and it only made him use him harder. Over and over, he sank his co*ck into him. He couldn’t get enough of his arse. He didn’t want to get enough of it.
The whole experience had been so overwhelming that his org*sm felt elusive.
Harry woke up a little. Not opening his eyes, he trailed his fingers down Severus’ back, over his arse. They dipped between his cheeks.
“Oh,” Severus gasped.
Harry kissed his face as his fingers played with his hole. “Fill me up,” he whispered sweetly. “Please.”
org*sm washed over Severus then. He was shuddering through the pleasure without realising what was happening.
“Oh, f*ck, oh, f*ck,” Severus cried out, hips snapping forward, wanting to be as deep as possible inside the love of his life.
Harry’s middle finger managed to push past his tight ring of muscle, penetrating his arse.
“Harry,” Severus gasped. It was now his turn to writhe uncontrollably.
Severus remained inside him for a few minutes. They kissed and kissed, Harry still not entirely awake, his fingers still slowly playing with his arse.
Finally, Severus pulled out and laid beside Harry, or tried to. There was so little space on his little bed.
Severus watched him as he dozed. Harry seemed unable to stop smiling, even when he was sleeping.
“Was it just as good as all your fantasies?”
Harry opened his eyes, his smile growing. “Yes. And more. So much more. I love you, Severus.”
“In all the ways?”
“All the ways.” Harry pulled him into a kiss. “Thank you. For giving up your other life. For protecting me. For loving me. Thank you.”
Severus returned the kiss, holding him so closely. He was too overcome to speak. Harry was his. Finally. Forever.
They had found each other across oceans of time.
